Hmm..

"My heart is a gypsy -- continuously searching for a home, fighting within itself, wondering whether it is weak or even right for that matter to be searching in the first place. Loneliness is what it feels like. I don't really know what the urgency is I feel: loneliness or complete heart break? But I fight it, saying it can't be broken. I still have hope that I will find peace within myself, and that much be what it's about."

Jenna Jameson, 'How To Make Love Like A Porn Star'

Hey, thanks.

I know that today, above all days you're supposed to be happy and give thanks to everything and everyone in your life that you love. But I'm having a hard time getting in the spirit. Call me jaded, but with my family out of town again and Thanksgiving on my own, I'm just not feeling it.

I have, however, been thinking back on all of the things I've done this year. I feel like everything has flown by so quickly and I'm having a hard time catching up to it all. I know I'm supposed to live fully with no regrets and yadda, yadda. But I have a few. More this year than I usually do.

First and foremost, I wish Jason and I could have found some way to salvage our friendship. The whole reason I was angry with him in the end was because I felt like he was throwing away our friendship, that it meant nothing to him. But I know now that's not what it was. It seems ridiculous to me that such a good friendship went to shit so fast. We could have resolved things, and maintained civility but for some reason I had to vent every bit of anger I had. I constantly wish we could have stepped outside ourselves and fixed things. I still can't hear a good song without automatically wanting to show it to him. I still hope that maybe one day we can become friends again, but I have no idea how since the last time we talked was so cold. A girl can hope.

I regret not going to China. I had an amazing opportunity laid out in front of me. I know my life would be in such a different place right now..and I kick myself for not allowing myself to experience something new. I was so scared of stepping out of my element and being away from everything I know. But I need big life experiences. Badly. I'm afraid that by staying in this valley for the rest of my life, I'm cheating myself out of something more. The unknown. I need to know it. Desperately.

I feel responsible for watching my family disintagrate and doing nothing at all to help. I just left. Things got hard and I bailed. And now my closest relationships are gone. I hardly speak to my family at the moment. It's hard, but it's how it is. I can't change it. I can't put myself back in a situation that I know is terrible for me. And because of that, I'm spending yet another Thanksgiving alone.

I've become way too content with being alone recently, and I know I need to break the habit or I'm going to end up right where I was this time last year.

I feel like my life is just one big revolving cycle. I desperately, need something to change. I need to know that I'm going to end up achieving something in life. I don't know what, but I know I'm not on that path right now.

Fate. Or something like that.

I feel like I've found the little bit of me that was missing. This tiny little piece of my heart that's been vacant for the last year. The part that I didn't even know I needed. Or wanted. Or was searching for. Yet, when I woke up this morning with my head on his chest and the very first thing I saw was a tattoo over his heart for me.. I knew that missing piece was back in place.

This both terrifies and exhilarates me.

I'd like to say it's an even mix. But it's mostly terror, honestly.

Fear of the unknown overwhelms me and I find myself questioning the universe and fate and timing. And I'm wondering if everything really happens for a reason or if we use that as an excuse to follow our urges, no matter how ridiculous they may be. I'm hoping for the first, honestly. I've got to believe that there's some unknown reasoning for the week I've had. This whirlwind of a week that led me right back into a situation I walked away from a year ago.

I remember the morning I walked away. I looked at him, asleep. Oblivious to what was really happening. Not aware of what I had in mind. He had no idea that I never planned on coming back. I just knew, in that moment, that I couldn't keep forcing myself into his life. If he wanted me there, he had to put me in it. I gave up. I couldn't do it anymore. I kissed him goodbye and walked out.

"Outside, construction workers pour a brand new basement floor. But then, the ground starts shaking fault lines to your own front door. I looked at this and thought of you. And all that is and isn't true. And with all the strength left in me, walked on while the walls came down."

I walked away, and found myself.

I will never regret walking out.

Now it seems as though it doesn't matter if I try. Or if he tries. I thought I had successfully broken the magnetic pull we had. But the universe has swept me right back in.

Someone I thought I had left so far in my past now lives right outside my front door. And suddenly, I'm beginning to believe that you can't fight fate. Whatever that means.

We've each been on completely different paths for the last year trying to discover just who we are..but they led right back to eachother no matter how many twists and turns we took. A person is a whole new person after a year. If we're whole new people, can we still be the same together?

Wait. Rewind. I don't want us to be the same. I won't settle for how things were before. I refuse to. I don't have to. I've walked away before and you know what? My world didn't fall apart. My heart didn't disintegrate. It just didn't glow as much as when it's near his, but I survived.

But just the knowledge that I can walk away and no break gives me the upper hand. I feel more in control than I have before. I'm not going into anything blinded. I don't know where this is going to lead. I have no expectations. He will not let me down again. The minute things go south, I'm walking away again. But some little part of me is hopeful that this time will be the time that we'll get shit right. He's someone I want on my team. Someone I'd like to be a part of my life.

Last night, I finally felt at home. Every single important person in my life surrounded me. And seeing his face in the crowd finally made me feel like everything was complete. Someone once told me that home is not a place, it's a person. And I think I kind of understand what that means now. But I don't think it's a person. I think it's that moment where everything in the universe aligns for you perfectly at the same time and you know you don't need anything else in that moment. That's home. To me at least.

I was really concerned about my biggest supporters not understanding my logic in all of this, because I don't think I really understand it even. But they've been warmer that I had anticipated. And honestly, it's time that I don't care what anyone else thinks. It's time to make my own life. And my own home. Even if it means making a few crazy decisions along the way.

All week I've been expecting to wake up from a dream. This morning I realized it wasn't.

"Good morning. See babe, I promised I'd still be here when you woke up."

PS - THESE DREAMS ARE MAKING ME CRAZY.
I can't tell reality from my dream world.

At the end of the day,

You can either focus on what's tearing you apart or what's holding you together.

There was this point last night where I felt it click. I looked around my house, packed with people. People that care about me. People who are there for me now and people who were there for me in the past.

Even though I don't have a family in the true sense of the word any more, the life I lead is truly blessed by the people who are in it.

An hour before our party, I was sitting on my bathroom floor crying. As soon as everyone showed up, everything disappeared.

I've got to start focusing on the positive and let the negative go.

New Beginning.

It's officially begun. This new life of mine. And I must say, while I've never been so stressed.. I don't think I've ever been happier. The move was tough. Moving things out in the middle of my parents' war was like trying to smuggle contraband across enemy lines. I'm so glad I had Ashley there to help me with everything. I couldn't have done it on my own. I need to go back to clean, but am having a really difficult time pepping myself up enough to deal with it right now. It just brings me down.

I'm in a good place now. I love my house. I love the people I'm surrounded with, and I love that I feel like I have friends again. I'm not secluded. And it's what I needed to pull me out of the slump I was in. Things aren't even settled yet, but the first night in the house was the best I've slept in over a year. New giant bed for the win.

I'm excited to see where things go from here. They can only go up.

The move wasn't the only huge event this weekend. On Monday, Keri Leonard passed away. Keri was the aunt to my best childhood friend Chelsea. They were our neighbors and I knew them since I was in diapers. Keri was a surrogate aunt. Their entire family was my second home. Chelsea and I were inseperable until we turned 16. We went down seperate paths. She got pregnant and dropped out, I moved into my own place and we just lost touch. Neither of us really kept the friendship going. Still, the minute I heard about Keri's passing, I reached out to Chelsea. We hadn't talked in nearly five years, but I knew I wanted to be at the services. I was so nervous about seeing her and her family. I was shaking as I walked into the funeral home, as soon as I saw Chelsea we hugged and both started bawling. It was so hard to see someone I cared about so much in so much pain. It just felt right being there for her. The entire service was beautiful and not your typical funeral service. It was exactly what Keri would have wanted. We instantly picked up where we had left off. Her entire family was so warm and welcoming and made it known how much they missed me. Chelsea says that Keri was constantly harrassing her to call me and fix our friendship. In some morbid way, I think this was her way of bringing us back together. I wish we had been able to do it on better terms, but I'm thankful that we've been given a second chance at our friendship.

Rest In Peace, Keri. Thank you for the incredible memories, the lessons in compassion, teaching me to really love myself, and being an amazing example of living life to the fullest. I can only wish to be half the woman you were.

This whole experience with reuniting with Chelsea has inspired me to keep my word more. To not let my friendships slip away. When I say, HEYLET'SHANGOUT, I plan on making it happen.

I'm so lucky to have Ashley as my best friend. She's my other half. But it's been a lot of work to keep it together. I can't even imagine how many more good friends I'd have right now if I put as much effort into the friendships.

Tomorrow,

Everything changes.

Here goes nothing.

If you wanna fly, you've gotta give up the shit that weighs you down.

I'm at the top of the rollercoaster. Two more clicks, and I'll be over the hill. Soaring into something unknown. My heart is pounding. My palms are sweaty. My stomach is in my throat.

Click.
Cliiiiiick.

In less than three days, my life is going to take a huge turn. Life as I know it is going to be completely different.

I know that the environment is going to be 100% better for me. The situation I'm in is fucked up, to say the least. I live in a house with people that used to be my family. It's no longer a home, and we're all just strangers. I don't think I've ever been so depressed. If I'm home, which is rare, I'm secluded to my room. Upstairs, all I hear is screaming. Doors slamming. Pounding. I feel helpless. Vulnerable. I'm 22 years old and I have that same feeling I had when I was 10 listening to the same shit. It's hard to be surrounded by people that are supposed to love each other unconditionally that do nothing but hate each other. Hate to the fullest extent of the word. These people are not the people I know, the people I love. Drugs, alcohol, and mental instability has wrecked them. It's hard to watch them put on a facade in front of other people. Pretending to be such a happy family. All I want to do is call them on their bullshit. But I stay silent. I keep out of it. I will not let them destroy me like they've destroyed themselves. I feel guilty about leaving my brother behind. He's so young, and is carrying the weight of all of this on his shoulders. I wish I could save him.

I'm going into an environment where there is going to be constant love. I wish I knew how to word that better. The people I'm going to be living with are the most positive, happy, loving influences in my life. I feel like I'm in for a bit of culture shock. I've always been searching for some place to call home. I couldn't find it with Robert. I couldn't find it with Dallas. And I've never been able to find it with my family. I'm just not sure if I'm capable of accepting it. I feel like I don't deserve it, honestly.

Come Friday, my life is about to take a turn for the better. So why is it I can't shake this somber feeling?

Gotta Lotta Walls.

Quick Update:

-New promotion kicks ass. I've kicked up my hourly wage about four dollars an hour. On a slow day. Hello, money. Savings. Financial security. And buying whatever the hell I want.

-We move in 17 days. It keeps getting closer and closer. I cannot wait.

-My mom is doing 9012894813947 times better. It's incredible.

-Hustling. To say the least.

-Two birthday dinners, Atmostphere, Let Me In, Rob Zombie, and my birthday this weekend. Cannot wait.

Life rocks.

The end.

Oh, yeah.

23 days.
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