and it doesn't feel right holding someone else's hand

mason is only a substitute.

hello, i didn't feel a thing when you kissed me tonight.

i laid awake all night last night tossing and turning.
i feel like i'm such a bad person.
i don't want to break his heart...again...
but, i can't force myself to feel something that just isn't there.

i feel like i'm letting everyone else down if i do what i want to do and follow my heart.
why am i trying so hard to make everyone else happy?

head vs. heart

when your head and your heart want two completely contradicting things, can they really belong to the same body?

this really shouldn't feel as difficult as it does.
the solution is clear.
so why am i avoiding it?

so bring on the heart break

last night at 3 a.m. i got the phone call that is going to make my life even more complicated than it already is.

just when i think its done, just when i think he's out of the picture for good and i can move on with my life. he walks right back in.

and i'm going to let it happen.

even though i'm going to hate myself for it in the end.

dallas

dallas is the only one that has ever actually got to my heart. i don't know how, or why, but its completely his.

we're dated off and on for two and a half years now. i don't want to get into a million details with this one because i'd probably be sitting here for hours.

i'll start with the positive though. he makes me comfortable with who i am. i feel comfortable in my own skin around him. i don't need to hide who i am. i can openly be myself and know he won't judge me. he makes me feel safe when he puts his arms around me. and i get the best most peaceful sleep when i know he's laying next to me. he's done a lot to prove to me how much he cares about me. but i know that i will always care about him more than he cares about me.

we've been through the most fucked up things the past few years. rumors about us, people trying to pick fights with us, some guy stalking me and hitting me, ex girlfriends vandilising my shit, and everyone around us constantly telling us we're not right for each other. and we had a miscarriage. which by far, is the most difficult thing we've gone through as a pair. but through it all we've managed to always rely on eachother when no one else could support us.

things were great and i'm always going to love him but people change and its hard for me to love the person he's changing in to. he moved away to park city almost a year ago and we've tried to make it work..but it just isn't the same. he's grown his hair out almost as long as mine, he got his lip pierced in three different places. but don't get me wrong, it isn't the phsycal that draws me to him. he started drinking again. and taking pain killers. and getting into fights. and i really just don't want to be with a person that's become that.

he was 15454250 miles away...so i ended it and told him i was done because i knew it'd be easy with him being so far away. but.

yes, there's always a but.

last night he called me to tell me he's moving back down here this weekend. and i'm stunned. because as my as my head tells me no, no, no. my heart started pounding so fast and i got these stupis butterflies in the stomach. i'm glad he's going to be living down here again but i'm not ready to deal with all the shit he puts me through.

i'm at the point right now where i really legitimately want a realtionship. and i know he's never going to give me what i want no matter how hard i try. but with him being down here, its going to make me hesitate getting in a relationship with anyone else because like i said before..there is just something about him that makes me not want him to resent me. i know he'd never hurt me, but i'd be scared for my boyfriend because his anger is so intense.

ahh.
boys.
fuck boys.

mason

so, up until very very recently i honestly considered mason a part of my past. my distant past even. but after running into him the other night i'm beginning to think that i might actually want to make his part of my present.

mason was a great boyfriend. i was spoiled like a girl should be sometimes. i got flowers on multiple occasions, i'd come over to his house and end up taking a nap and when i woke up he'd be cooking me dinner and doing something so sweet and romantic for me. he remains to this day the only boyfriend that's ever cooked for me. he's a pretty cute kid. he's got the prettiest blue eyes and his smile has always instantly brought one to my face. its contagious. and on top of all that, we had this intense passion for eachother that i don't think i've had with anyone else. something just pulls us together and makes this insane chemistry. he was a phenomonal kisser and we spent hours kissing and pushing eachother into walls and knocking down pictures and hiding in the garage and his parents were coming home. it was just so heated all the time. and i'm pretty sure that's what pushed me away. at this point, i was still a virgin and didn't have very much experience with anything so i was really scared that our relationship was going to be a purely physical one. and i wanted more. so i ended up looking for any reason i could and i broke up with him for lying to me once. he treated me so well before..and i broke up with him for the very first semi-argument we ever had. sometimes, i regret that.

fast forward our lives to now. we ran in to eachother at a party. and when i first heard he was there my heart jumped a beat. i acted like i was mad. but actually, i was really happy to see him. as soon as i got there that magnetic pull took over and i gave him a hug and let it last a little long because i liked how it felt. later that night when the drinks had hit he called me baby and pulled his arms around me. and i let it happen because it felt right. i'm really glad that he was there, but it was so awkward because craig was there too. (we'll get to that later..) mason is clean now. and i'm so happy for that because it was the only problem in our relationship. he's working at a hospital and he loves his job. and he's taking care of his daughter. something that made me so upset when i first found out he had got this girl pregnant. but, he really genuinely cares about his daughter and i think it him grow up a lot.

so now i just have to figure out if he came back into my life for a reason. if we're supposed to be friends or if we're supposed to have a second shot at everything.

jason

jason, jason, jason.

i don't even know why i'm going to post about him.
he texted me while he was rolling the other night and i just can't get him out of my head..

let's start out with the positive. jason is great. he's so funny. he makes me laugh so easily. our personalities and senses of humor are so similar. we can pick fights at eachother and laugh about it after. he has adorable mannerisms. he has a unique way of doing everything and it just like it. he may infact be my musical soulmate. and if not soulmate then he is definitely my musical muse. music is such a big bond that we share. he has a great job and is so devoted to it. and last but not least. he's a homebody. just like i am. my favorite time spent with him is hanging around watching fresh prince of bell air and laying with a million blankets cuddling and watching cartoons. my point is, we really don't have to be doing anything at all. we can be doing nothing and be completely content.

but. yeah, there's a but. there's always a but.

we have a fucked up history. in my mind at least. we are the king and queen of bad timing. for the past four years we've dated off and on. we both are the affection starved type, and we know we can always get it from each other. but it never gets serious. we honestly try to be friends. we give it a good solid try. but in the end everything else usually ends up taking too much time and we drift away. give it a few months to a year. and then we start the whole cycle all over again. this has been going on the past four years now. throw a little dating my best friend behind my back in there and we've got the whole story. the two of them really broke my heart. ashley more than him even. and then when they were done and i was still friends with him..she got mad at me. they tore my heart out together then she had the nerve to get mad at me for being friends with someone i knew and dated first. this situation was shit.

four years of this and i'm just feeling done. exhausted. we're never going to legitimately just be friends like we need to be.

timing will never be right for us.

i just wish we could reach a place where we could be in eachother's lives and actually stick around.