Astonishingly,

It upsets me less every day.

All my dreams and all this stuff.. All made real, and it's not enough.

I took HCG for a week, dropped 10 pounds.
But, I've been super sick while taking it so I had to quit to figure out if it's the HCG or if I'm legitimately sick. All the symptoms are pointing to the latter. I'm frustrated that I can't keep taking it. It felt like the solution to my body problems and the results I was seeing made me so incredibly happy. I have to find a way to love myself again.

There are so many great things happening right now.. But I still want more. Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm taking everything I have for granted. I just can't help but feel that I'm missing out on something. I don't even know what it is, I just know I haven't found whatever it is I'm craving from life right now.

I need an adventure.

+/-

I am having a really hard time staying positive this week. While there has been so many great things sprinkled in, the negative things just keep piling up and I'm trying so hard to keep them from outweighing the good.

This week has consisted of:
+ Toy Story 3! <3
+ Movie night tuesday, the most fun I've had in a while.
+ Cuddling with Lenny.
+ Being appointed to host the next movie night. (I'm thinking..Pauly Shore night)
- The dealership messing up my check, leaving me broke all week.
+ Hanging out with Stefani on Wednesday. Nothing like beer and hookah after work.
+ Starting HCG. Dropped 8.3 pounds in the first two days of the diet.
- Got the flu on Thursday, so I have had to quit the HCG until it gets better. Who gets the flu in June?! :/
+ Finally got some resolution. If you could call it that.
- Missing someone, a lot. Even though I know I shouldn't.
+ Brent's going away party last night.
+ Torching all of our Megaplex uniforms. Hello, revenge.
+ "No more booms. Bangs are still fine though."
- Wisdom teeth problems again keeping me up at night. I should have got them out months ago.
+ Being told I could be a Beer Goddess. Coolest compliment, ever.
+ Convincing Adam to come back to the party after he'd already left. Seriously, I'm so glad we're friends.
- Still sick so I can't keep anything down, but because my body is still burning 4500 calories a day I'm literally running on empty. Worst sick ever.
- No sleep last night, no food today. I'm in for a long day at work.
- Car problems on the way to work. I cannot afford to fix something on it right now.

Despite it all, I'm trying to maintain a positive attitude. I know in the end, things will work themselves out. They have to. I have so many great people in my life right now that I need to appreciate them and not long after people who don't want to be a part of it. There are so many great things coming up in my life right now. I need to keep focus on those and let all of the negative fade away. Here's to moving forward.

I need a time machine.

Embarrassing myself by writing how I feel about my life in my blog? I don't think so. You should be embarrassed for creating a fake account just to read my blog. Get a life, or stay out of mine.

Moving forward.

To the fullest extent of the term.

I'd like to fast forward past July. I need it to be August already.

Then the newest chapter of my life will be in full swing.

This anticipation is killing me.

Hey world, I'm happy.

If you would have told me a month ago what direction my life would be heading in today.. I would have thought you were full of shit. I thought I'd be buying quitting the dealership, living with Rachel and Diego, getting school shit together, and spending all of my time with Jason. My, my how quickly things can change. While I'm sad about the way some things have turned out, I couldn't be happier with others.

Currently, I'm keeping the dealership job. Since I've been back from Mexico, I've actually really grown to like it. At first it was supposed to just help me with my trip. But now I need to becaaaaause...

I'm moving in with Adam and Charlie. I'm not exactly positive how it happened, honestly. But in one week it went from something casually mentioned in conversation to Adam and I apartment hunting yesterday. We've got it narrowed down and everything planned out. I couldn't be more excited. Come August 1st, our new chapter begins. I'm so stoked to be living with boys again. While it's a major cockblock for a girl, I love living with guys. Always have.

I will still be purchasing a new car before winter. It's my ultimate goal. I don't think my car can handle one more winter. So, I'm going to drive it while I save up a little bit more for a down payment and get our living situation settled.

Zupas has been entirely tedious since I've been back from Mexico. My boss can sense it so she's been trying to get me away from my normal routine. I'm still craving something new though. I know I can't risk getting a new job right when I'm planning to move out so I'm going to stick it out. But I'm pushing really hard for a new position. I'd like to be permanently on catering as a driver or coordinator. Even as a full time driver I'd be making more than I do now and I'd get to do something different daily. I'd really love a catering coordinator though. It's a great position and pays enough that I could quit the dealership if it ever became too hard to juggle both. I'm just hoping they'll let me switch soon before I get too restless.

No word from Jason. No explanation. It's not like I expected to be with him and I don't know if he understands that. I mean, I really wanted something more with him. But was waiting for him to want it too. I was starting to trust in him, but knew ultimately, even with everything we were doing, we would probably just be friends. I just thought we were going to be friends for longer this time. It seemed like we were becoming really close again. He still says stuff on facebook every once in a while, but I don't want to be just internet friends. What really bothers me about the whole situation is that he doesn't respect me or our friendship enough after six years to be upfront with me. He sent some major mixed signals. Sleeping with me three times in one day the last time I saw him gave me the strong assumption that everything between us was okay and normal. But as soon as I got back I was straight up ignored. I'm sorry, but being ignored after knowing eachother for six years is just cold. I wish he would be straightforward like he usually is and just let me know what's up. I don't care either way, I'm just so frustrated that I have no idea why he just cut me off. But I can't let myself look like a fool anymore waiting for him, I've just gotta move on. Easy come, easy go I guess. I'm getting really sick of the breaks in our friendship though. And I don't know if we'll ever be friends again this time.

I ultimately decided against going to China. While I think it's a great opportunity..I just can't do it right now. My mom is having so many problems with her health right now that I couldn't bear being thousands of miles away. I couldn't be there right away if I needed to be. I know I'm probably going to regret not going. You just don't get many opportinities like this in your life. But on the other hand, if anything were to happen and I weren't around I'd regret it even more.

I've spent a lot of time with my JAMF crew this week and it has been the biggest breath of fresh air. It's been such a long time since we've all been together but I've missed them so much. Tuesday night we partied at Craig's. Matt and James were there. Hugs from those boys make everything better and James said some of the sweetest things any friend has ever told me. Last night I went to the bar with Craig, Brandon and Angie. It was such a blast. Most fun I've had ini ages. Craig and I are...like we always are. Which I know isn't healthy. But it's just what happens. He fills some lonely void I have and doesn't expect anything serious. It just works. I'm really disappointed that Ash hasn't been around..but I can't force her. She's the one missing out on these experiences but I just don't know what else to do to get her to come around. I hoped that the cruise would bring us closer again when we got back, but it didn't work out that way. When we invite her to do things, she doesn't show. I wish she would. I miss my best friend. I have Angie. I'm so glad she's home for the summer. It's nice having her around to go to.

There is a potential bar night 2.0 tonight if I hear back from Stevie. I could use me some club 48 right about now.

Tomorrow night I'm going to see my real dad. His girlfriend invited me to a bbq. It's going to be strange because I've never met her before but we've already had a lot of really intense conversations. It's also going to be the first time in years that I've actually spent time with my dad. I'm not sure what to expect, but I'm going to keep an open mind to it.

HCG on Monday. Angie is doing it with me, so hopefully having someone to struggle with will be beneficial. I'm actually looking forward to doing it. I can't wait to see the results.

Hey world, I'm happy.

Back to furniture shopping. :]

40 Life Changing Lessons

So far this year has been an adventure. It has had ups and downs but has ultimately been such a great time for me to learn. I've enjoyed every minute of it and the people in it. Here's just a few of the serious and seriously hilarious lessons I've learned. If you've been involved in any of these, thanks for the good times. Let's make some more.

1.History will always repeat itself in one way or another. True fact.

2.TV commercials often advertise things not available in Utah. This is becoming a major problem in my life. The only solution for it is a road trip where said product is available, of course.

3.Don't abandon your bed for long periods of time. When you finally come crawling back to it, it will be full of spite and revenge and will make your life miserable.

4.Never lend money to anyone. I don't care about the circumstances. Just don't do it. Ever.

5.1997 Nissan Altimas are moving targets for driver's side collisions.

6.“Mean everything to no thing.” Thank you, Andy Hull.

7.Driving a BMW to and/or from a bar in Murray (while sober!) almost always guarantees you to get pulled over because Murray cops are bored out of their minds.

8.Always, always, always trust your gut instinct. It knows everything you don't.

9.Dreams mean everything. Don't give up on them. Something to look forward to will get you through the days.

10.Alcohol tastes better in Las Vegas. Alcohol tastes better in Mexico. Alcohol tastes better anywhere outside of Utah.

11.For some reason, I just don't have it in me to truly love techno. I tried.

12.Drinking Coors Light and Boones Farm is CLASSY.

13.Once in a while, knowing shady people is actually very beneficial.

14.“We are in the desert. If I don't eat soon.. I will seriously, for real die.”

15.Random, spontaneous road trips are always a good idea.

16.Wristbands only cost 15-25 cents at party stores and come in a wide range of colors. Remember this. One day, it will allow you to gain access to pretty much anywhere.

17.The wind is a dirty thief. If you have cash, it will steal it.

18.You never, ever want the red dot.

19.My dad is capable of installing a toilet on an air conditioner.

20.Boba, after a night of drinking, is a very suitable breakfast.

21.Friendships change. People grow apart. You've got to learn to adapt to these changes or kiss the friendship goodbye.

22.Picking a lock to sleep next to someone you like is a good idea and not as creepy as it sounds.

23.Morgan Freeman in The Shawshank Redemption is a bad ass. Morgan Freeman look-a-like at the bar is a creeper.

24.Water directly from the faucet to your mouth is surprisingly refreshing and fascinating.

25.“Fun fact!!” The ear has thousands of nerve endings.

26.I am not a morning person. While I've known this my whole life, my ability to function in the morning gets worse and worse daily.

27.My hair does not agree with the humidity in Mexico. Therefore, I will not be moving there any time soon. Sorry, Antonio.

28.A gin and tonic made with Bombay Sapphire and 4 limes is a drink straight from God. Mm.

29.Friendship is a two way street. If you want me in your life, put me there. I can't force myself in.

30.“Ten points for Gryffindor!” It's a movement. Catch it.

31.Don't get comfortable, ease up, let your walls down, feel safe or attach. The moment you do, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Letting people in is tough, letting them go is tougher. Whatever you do, be careful.

32.Crazy annoying molesting drunk girls should always come with sweat stains and their own Lady Gaga lyrics.

33.Justin Bieber kills friendships. Beware of catching Bieber fever.

34. Stay mad as long as you can. Because once you're not mad any more, it will hurt.

35.“Don't dwell on the end at the expense of the here and now.”

36.It is what it is. Don't ask questions. Don't read into things. Take everything at face value.

37.“One good thing about music, when it hits you feel no pain.”

38.It is nearly impossible to be on the same page with someone at the exact same time. Timing is a coldhearted bitch.

39.“Let's be happy with what we have. Enjoy the beauty in these days. Sometimes we'll laugh, sometimes we'll scream. No one said caring was easy.” (And yes, I have this tattooed.)

40. Even though it has its up and downs, even though sometimes it really fucking hurts, even though it's unpredictable...Life is great. And it's only going to get better. I'm moving forward. I hope you're coming with me.

I just want back in your head.

I hate that once I finally think I have an idea of where things are going to play out, the the moment I ease up and let someone in, the minute I decide to trust.. Everything crumbles.

I had a lot of fear about going on my trip. I knew that when I came back everything would be different, and it completely is. It took a long time for me to trust Jason. To open myself up to the idea of him. I was just scared of history repeating itself. But, I finally reached the point where I trusted it. And the day I trusted it, I told him. I think I used the word attached, which looking back was probably the wrong choice of words. I just had reached the point where I knew that if we took our normal frienship break, it would really hurt. We had this conversation on his balcony while we were drunk but I meant all of it. He told me not to worry. And I thought everything was going to be okay.

During that conversation, he told me he wanted me to try more. And ever since I have. Nonstop. And ever since that conversation it's got me nowhere. Nearly every time I've asked him to hang out, I've been ignored which is beyond frustrating. If he wants me to back off, I get it. But I'd at least like honesty about it. It just doesn't feel right. There's no closure to everything. I have no idea what's going on. And in the past, I've always been able to just walk away from him. But this time I opened up way more, I put myself out there. I trusted him. And now I have no idea what's going on.

Thank you for reminding me not to open up. Not to trust anyone. And if I ever feel comfortable, I should run far far away.

You smile in your sleep.

The people in my life right now are really incredible. It's amazing how making new friendships has given me a new perspective.

I know, that there's life beyond everything I've always relied on. No saying it will ever be easy to give up. But I can feel the end of it more and more every day.

I wish I felt like I still had a best friend, but every day I feel us growing further apart. I'm sick of being blown off, of being treated like shit, of being the only one to even try. There's not a doubt in my mind that if it weren't for work and this trip we wouldn't be close right now. And I feel like I've done all I can do on my end. This vacation is going to make or break us. It's either going to bring us closer again or be our last hoo-rah as friends. I'm not hoping for the latter. But a lot has got to change to put us in a better place. I feel like we don't even know eachother anymore. I hate that.

Friday night when Jason and I hung out I got drunk enough to bring up how worried I was that me leaving for ten days is going to mess everything up. I still can't believe we had the conversation we did. In the past, when we have gaps in talking it messes us up. I feel like I have to constantly let him know I'm interested or I'm going to miss out. I'm scared that when I come back things are going to be different. I know he's interested in someone else right now, I'm not sure if he knows. But it seems pretty obvious. Which is fine. I get it. I just worry that history is going to repeat itself. I've tried to stay unattached this time. But the closer we get the harder it is. He really is someone I like having in my life. And I see all of the qualities I want in someone in him. Losing that this time around would be tough. Our conversation eased my mind though. And in the end, I'm glad we had it. He kept assuring me that he isn't like he was in the past. I hope that's true. We both want the other one to constantly show interest..to be the first one to initiate everything. And that's rough on my end. I want to constantly spend time with him, but I'm afraid of coming off needy and him getting sick of it so I don't do it as often as I'd like. Also, I'd like him to show more interest. Sometimes, I feel like he's just not feeling it like he was in the beginning. I hate that I have to initiate most conversations. I miss him saying he constantly wanted to spend time with me and asking when he gets to see me again. Hello, I'm Jalice and sometimes I need reassurance. God, this sounds negative. It's not. I think I'm just going to see how things play out when I get back. We're on such good terms now. I hope they remain the same when I get back. I know I'm going to miss him when I'm gone. And hopefully when I'll get back he'll cuddle my brains out.

My mom is having pretty major surgery tomorrow. And I'm so scared about it. Her health has always been such a huge issue. I'm lucky to have her after everything she's gone through. Anything more and I'm scared she's never going to get better. I love my mom. After not having my dad..she's always been double important to me. She is my rock.

Rachel and I are apartment hunting when I get back. Diego, her, and myself living together. Should be interesting. It's not the ideal situation but Jason having his own place really makes me miss the freedom.

When I get back, I start my HCG injections. My mom is so against this. She's so angry at me for it. But it's something I want to do. I know it's extreme, but I just want to feel pretty again. I need the confidence. I need to feel better about myself. I feel like if I could just gain more confidence I could really take control of everything and make my life start going in the right direction.

I just want some stability.

"And then he said something like this...'I would die for you, but I won't live for you.' Something like that. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people. Maybe that is what makes people 'participate.' I hope so anyway."

I'm moving on, I hope you're coming with me.

It's been over a year since I last posted.

And boy, is life different.

New job(s), new friends, new outlook.

Almost everyone I made a post about is out of my life. For good. Almost everyone.

Dallas is officially gone. No need to go into details because I just made a clean break. It's been since November. It took me three years, but the chain is broken and I don't even miss him at all. (Lie. Most days I do.) BUT. This, by far, has been my biggest accomplishment in the last year.

My life is no longer a revolving door. For anyone. Period.

Jason and I are closer than we've ever been. It came out of left field. He just texted me out of the blue one day and we've been fixing our friendship since. I feel like we're finally in that place I was hoping for in the post I made about him last February. The place where we can actually stick around in each other's lives. I need that. He's brought this strange sense of comfort to me. Just the ability to be comfortable in my own skin, and be comfortable around someone else. I'm always so guarded..It's been a long time since I've felt comfortable around anyone. I don't know if he realizes how big of a deal this is to me..but I just appreciate it so much. It couldn't have come at a better time in life. Everything I wrote about him over a year ago is still true. He's still hilarious. He's still my musical muse. And my favorite thing to do with him is still cuddle while watching tv. He's opened my eyes to new experiences and has brought me out of my shell. I like where we are. I don't want us to take a year long break in friendship like we always do. While I'm prepared for that to happen because I've been through it before...I don't want to deal with it again. I don't know where this is going to end up, but for once..I'm not even worried about it.

I gave up my spot at Le Cordon Bleu and I quit my job at the theater to persue a cooking career that ended horribly.

Hello, I'm Jalice. I'm 21. And I'm terrified I'm never going to be good at anything.

I have two worthless dead end jobs. I need something more. Something bigger.

I now am constantly craving change, something that used to frighten me.

The list of people I completely trust has gone from and handful to very few in a short amount of time. It now mostly consists of family. I never thought I'd lose faith in certain people..but I guess that sometimes, people just grow apart. It's unavoidable.

In the past year I've become an aunt. And my family instantly became more important to me than anything else. My brothers are the only boys who will love me unconditionally. And my sisters are the only girls I can completely trust to not throw me away.

A year ago, I can't believe I was actually talking marriage and babies. I'm thankful every day that never happened. Especially with him. I now take my birth control faithfully and will wait until someone appreciates me until contemplating marriage.

Despite all of this sounding negative, it has been the best year of my life.

I've never been more aware of who I am and what I want out of life.

And while I don't know how I'm going to get there, or who's going to be by my side in the end..I've learned to appreciate the journey. Because in the end, that's all that really matters.