You don't know me.

It's time for a serious update about the last month.

July was the worst month I've had so far this year. By far. Everyday, it seemed like I was being dealt a new blow. I try to force myself to remain positive through whatever is thrown my way but the more that kept piling on, the more stressed I became.

First with finances. Found more hospital debt that I thought had been taken care of. Hello, yet another monthly bill. When I got my car accident settlement, Tim ripped me off and took more than half of it. I had to give him the check because the car was registered in his name. I didn't expect him to rip me off so badly and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. Thanks, Dad. My surgery cost me way more than I had planned after additional visits and all of the medication. Plus, missing work for it and still trying to catch up from Mexico..this month was just one big pit of debt. I've worked my ass off to pull myself out of it and rebuild a savings and I'm proud of myself for doing it so quickly. It just frustrates me beyond belief that I have to work myself to the bone and two different jobs just to get by. I want to go back to school so I can have a decent paying job, but I can't afford it. What an awesome Catch 22. I will build even more savings. I will go back to school. I'm more determined now than ever.

Home life is completely unbearable. The fact that a 16 year old bipolar teenage girls controls the entire household is absolutely ridiculous. If she's raging, which is almost always, it means my parents are fighting. If my parents are fighting, Cody's crying. Jaycee's screaming. This is way too common of an occurance. The fact that she gets away with as much as she does astonishes me. I'm constantly being threatened to be kicked out for voicing my opinion about her wildness, but she gets to do whatever the hell she wants without reprocussion. I want a stable home. I'm sick of watching my family deteriorate. If it's going to happen, I'd rather not be there.

Which is why I was so excited about the townhome. It was going to be a new start for me. A place to actually call home and just be able to breathe. But, we had to give it up. Charlie ended up backing out last minute leaving us roommateless. I tried to find a third roommate, but it just didn't work out on such short notice. We have a back up plan, but I'm not going to put much hope into until it actually happens. I don't want to get my hopes up again. Spending a perfectly good Saturday crying over a living situation is no good. I'll get out. I've just got to give it time.

My mom's health is still crumbling. It makes me feel so guilty about leaving. But I can't sacrifice myself any more and she understands that. I know the reason our household has fallen apart is because she just doesn't have the strength to keep it together. I hate seeing her in pain. It breaks my heart every day. If there were anything I could do to ease her pain, I would without any hesitation. They're trying something new this week after getting her CAT scan results last week and finding a new absess. I pray it helps. Even just a little.

My surgery last month was hell. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I had a painful recovery, an allergic reaction to my anesthesia and pain medication, I was unable to keep anything down for days, wound up with dry socket on both sides. I had no grasp of how painful that could be until experiencing it. It's been three weeks and I'm still dealing with being swollen, sore, and bleeding. Definitely not a normal recovery time. I'd just like it to be done and over with.

In other July developments, I've had a lot of lessons regarding friendship this month. Letting too many worthless friends go, and building better friendships with the ones who actually matter. I've found friendships in the strangest places. It blows my mind how many different ways people can meet and be intertwined. It's a really small world. I've watched enemies become friends this month. Foes become allys. It's absolutely insane. Seeing it has made me evalutate quite a few of my friendships. I'm trying to make them stronger and appreciate them more. So far it's working well and I hope it continues to progress. I usually try to be such an independant person, but I'm realizing that having stable connections in the world to fall back on help keep you sane.

Right now, I'm having difficulty with always wanting to say too much. Always feeling like I constantly have to defend and explain myself to change any preconceieved notions about me. Why the hell should I care what anyone else thinks about me, especially when they're not significant in my life? People will assume what they want. And it doesn't matter if I try to explain myself or not, they've already got those assumptions in mind. Life is too short for me to be concerned with other people. You can read anything I write and take whatever you'd like out of it. You're getting your information off the internet and in the end, you're probably wrong. Assume all you'd like, have whatever opinion of me you'd like, it doesn't matter to me. One thing I've learned about assumptions lately is that they are almost always completely inaccurate. Life is too short to hold anything against someone you don't even know. Just let it go and live your own life.

There's a million more things to update about right now but my brain is fried from the lack of sleep last night. Time to recharge.

Amazingly,

The minute I said it that had been pent up, the very second I hit send, it felt like all of the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't angry, or sad, or bitter. I was just done, and with great relief.

I had a very difficult choice to make.. I could either say exactly what you wanted to hear or I could say what was actually on my mind. I decided that it was about time I start speaking my point of view. I always sit by, idly watching people come in and out of my life. Getting attached while they're in and longing for them while they're out. I never speak my mind, stick up for myself. I just let it happen. I couldn't anymore. It had all built up. And while I feel bad that a once great friendship was lost, I owed it to myself to at least speak up.

I've said everything I've ever needed to.

And now, while I wish things could have ended on less..bitter terms. I'm finally not angry or sad. I'm just done. And I with this chapter closing, I can move on. I won't cringe when I see your name (which is pretty much everywhere), I won't avoid King of the Hill, or Taco Time, or Club 48 because they remind me of you. I've avoided turning on the computer in my room for two months because your face is on the background. Now I can't wait to turn it on and change it. I won't avoid my ipod just because there's a chance your band might come on shuffle. I don't have this sick to my stomach gutwrenching feeling when I think of you. I spent almost two months with that feeling of uncertainty in my stomach. And I'm so glad all of that is done. Letting someone in is hard, letting them go is harder.

I'm just so ready to move on.

Now,

Oh, hey relatable line in book.

"Even before she hung up, something possessed her. It wasn't anger so much as a feeling of abandon, the hard snapping twang of release -- she was letting go of all that had, for so long, been holding her back. What was it that was holding her back? she wondered now. Why had she so fully given into this idea of patience and long-suffering? Why was she waiting for answers? The hell with patience. She was done with waiting, with standing around and wringing her hands not saying what she really needed to."

Dreams are a tricky thing.

Last Wednesday, I finally had my wisdom teeth taken out (as well as quarter inch segments of each side of my jaw.) The recovery has been hell, to say the least. I think that lately I live by Murphy's Law. What can go wrong, will. Always. Tough surgery, bad reaction to the anesthesia and the pain medication, the inability to keep anything down, all leading up to two dry sockets. Hello, soft diet for two more weeks. I miss food, real food. I can feel my body shutting down from the lack of nutrients. I hate it. I miss food with texture. I also have been constantly medicated for the last week which has lead to some abnormal actions and crazy ass dreams.

I've had not one, but two late night conversations with people who are a part of the past. And in turn, I've found peace of mind. It all just clicks. I've said what I've needed to, extended the proverbal olive branch, made my peace. I've left the door wide open, and I can now walk away knowing it's not in my hands anymore. Goodbye, gutwrenching feeling. If people are meant to be in my life, they'll put themselves there.

The second conversation was actually sparked by a terrible dream. It was gruesome. I've had a lot of pretty intense dreams, but this one takes the cake. It was bad enough that I'm not going to write about it. But, I woke up in the middle of the night crying. Freaking out. I was so shaken up that I had to know the person involved was okay. After not talking to him for nearly a year, I let him know what was going on and to my surprise he responded and calmed me down. I think most people would freak out after getting a 'Hey, I need to make sure you're alive' text at 3 o' clock in the morning. I'm glad he didn't. And I'm glad he's okay. Worst. Dream. Ever.

My dad got laid off yesterday. And all of the sudden I feel guilty about moving out. I still haven't told my parents.. First, I just wanted to wait until everything was set in stone. But now, I'm worried about their reaction. I know I shouldn't feel responsibility for taking care of the family..But I always will. I'm worried that losing the rent I pay is going to put them in an even worse situation.

I just want to know when the time is going to come that I can do things for myself without feeling guilty. I want to be able to make a big, huge, life changing decision without having to factore other people into the equation. This is my life. No one else is taking care of me, so why am I constantly taking care of everyone else?

...

Hell yes!

We were approved for our town home today.

It's all happening.

Oh, the anticipation.

The next adventure in my life is about to begin and the closer I get to it, the more nervous I get. It's like the long, drawn out ride to the top of a rollercoaster. I know that once the ride gets going, it's going to be a blast. But the waiting to get to the top makes me absolutely anxious.

I'm excited to be out on my own again, but it is going to be such a huge change. While I don't love most things about it.. I do love the comfort of living with my parents because it's my home. It's the one place I'm always going to feel safe and secure. But, I'm an adult. And I can't stay in that shelter forever. I miss the freedoms of living on my own. I constantly crave them. Plus, I know living with Adam and Charlie is going to be a riot. I'm ready for some good times.

I just wish I could skip the next few weeks and be done with this whole ordeal already. I was never really one for rollercoasters.

Take it or leave it.

My family means everything to me. And I'd do just about anything for any one of my siblings. But there comes a point where I just can't take anymore.

I can't take her mood swings.
I can't taker her temper tantrums.
I can't take her treating my mom like shit.
I can't take her ruining every good day we try to have.
I can't take her threatening to kill herself weekly.
I can't take her putting drugs above everything else.

I love my sister, and I always will.
But I'm at the point where I just don't care enough to keep trying.

She's burned this bridge one too many times.

Oh, man.

I have a new crush. Rome? Yes, please. :]