At the end of the day,

You can either focus on what's tearing you apart or what's holding you together.

There was this point last night where I felt it click. I looked around my house, packed with people. People that care about me. People who are there for me now and people who were there for me in the past.

Even though I don't have a family in the true sense of the word any more, the life I lead is truly blessed by the people who are in it.

An hour before our party, I was sitting on my bathroom floor crying. As soon as everyone showed up, everything disappeared.

I've got to start focusing on the positive and let the negative go.

New Beginning.

It's officially begun. This new life of mine. And I must say, while I've never been so stressed.. I don't think I've ever been happier. The move was tough. Moving things out in the middle of my parents' war was like trying to smuggle contraband across enemy lines. I'm so glad I had Ashley there to help me with everything. I couldn't have done it on my own. I need to go back to clean, but am having a really difficult time pepping myself up enough to deal with it right now. It just brings me down.

I'm in a good place now. I love my house. I love the people I'm surrounded with, and I love that I feel like I have friends again. I'm not secluded. And it's what I needed to pull me out of the slump I was in. Things aren't even settled yet, but the first night in the house was the best I've slept in over a year. New giant bed for the win.

I'm excited to see where things go from here. They can only go up.

The move wasn't the only huge event this weekend. On Monday, Keri Leonard passed away. Keri was the aunt to my best childhood friend Chelsea. They were our neighbors and I knew them since I was in diapers. Keri was a surrogate aunt. Their entire family was my second home. Chelsea and I were inseperable until we turned 16. We went down seperate paths. She got pregnant and dropped out, I moved into my own place and we just lost touch. Neither of us really kept the friendship going. Still, the minute I heard about Keri's passing, I reached out to Chelsea. We hadn't talked in nearly five years, but I knew I wanted to be at the services. I was so nervous about seeing her and her family. I was shaking as I walked into the funeral home, as soon as I saw Chelsea we hugged and both started bawling. It was so hard to see someone I cared about so much in so much pain. It just felt right being there for her. The entire service was beautiful and not your typical funeral service. It was exactly what Keri would have wanted. We instantly picked up where we had left off. Her entire family was so warm and welcoming and made it known how much they missed me. Chelsea says that Keri was constantly harrassing her to call me and fix our friendship. In some morbid way, I think this was her way of bringing us back together. I wish we had been able to do it on better terms, but I'm thankful that we've been given a second chance at our friendship.

Rest In Peace, Keri. Thank you for the incredible memories, the lessons in compassion, teaching me to really love myself, and being an amazing example of living life to the fullest. I can only wish to be half the woman you were.

This whole experience with reuniting with Chelsea has inspired me to keep my word more. To not let my friendships slip away. When I say, HEYLET'SHANGOUT, I plan on making it happen.

I'm so lucky to have Ashley as my best friend. She's my other half. But it's been a lot of work to keep it together. I can't even imagine how many more good friends I'd have right now if I put as much effort into the friendships.

Tomorrow,

Everything changes.

Here goes nothing.

If you wanna fly, you've gotta give up the shit that weighs you down.

I'm at the top of the rollercoaster. Two more clicks, and I'll be over the hill. Soaring into something unknown. My heart is pounding. My palms are sweaty. My stomach is in my throat.

Click.
Cliiiiiick.

In less than three days, my life is going to take a huge turn. Life as I know it is going to be completely different.

I know that the environment is going to be 100% better for me. The situation I'm in is fucked up, to say the least. I live in a house with people that used to be my family. It's no longer a home, and we're all just strangers. I don't think I've ever been so depressed. If I'm home, which is rare, I'm secluded to my room. Upstairs, all I hear is screaming. Doors slamming. Pounding. I feel helpless. Vulnerable. I'm 22 years old and I have that same feeling I had when I was 10 listening to the same shit. It's hard to be surrounded by people that are supposed to love each other unconditionally that do nothing but hate each other. Hate to the fullest extent of the word. These people are not the people I know, the people I love. Drugs, alcohol, and mental instability has wrecked them. It's hard to watch them put on a facade in front of other people. Pretending to be such a happy family. All I want to do is call them on their bullshit. But I stay silent. I keep out of it. I will not let them destroy me like they've destroyed themselves. I feel guilty about leaving my brother behind. He's so young, and is carrying the weight of all of this on his shoulders. I wish I could save him.

I'm going into an environment where there is going to be constant love. I wish I knew how to word that better. The people I'm going to be living with are the most positive, happy, loving influences in my life. I feel like I'm in for a bit of culture shock. I've always been searching for some place to call home. I couldn't find it with Robert. I couldn't find it with Dallas. And I've never been able to find it with my family. I'm just not sure if I'm capable of accepting it. I feel like I don't deserve it, honestly.

Come Friday, my life is about to take a turn for the better. So why is it I can't shake this somber feeling?