If you wanna fly, you've gotta give up the shit that weighs you down.

I'm at the top of the rollercoaster. Two more clicks, and I'll be over the hill. Soaring into something unknown. My heart is pounding. My palms are sweaty. My stomach is in my throat.

Click.
Cliiiiiick.

In less than three days, my life is going to take a huge turn. Life as I know it is going to be completely different.

I know that the environment is going to be 100% better for me. The situation I'm in is fucked up, to say the least. I live in a house with people that used to be my family. It's no longer a home, and we're all just strangers. I don't think I've ever been so depressed. If I'm home, which is rare, I'm secluded to my room. Upstairs, all I hear is screaming. Doors slamming. Pounding. I feel helpless. Vulnerable. I'm 22 years old and I have that same feeling I had when I was 10 listening to the same shit. It's hard to be surrounded by people that are supposed to love each other unconditionally that do nothing but hate each other. Hate to the fullest extent of the word. These people are not the people I know, the people I love. Drugs, alcohol, and mental instability has wrecked them. It's hard to watch them put on a facade in front of other people. Pretending to be such a happy family. All I want to do is call them on their bullshit. But I stay silent. I keep out of it. I will not let them destroy me like they've destroyed themselves. I feel guilty about leaving my brother behind. He's so young, and is carrying the weight of all of this on his shoulders. I wish I could save him.

I'm going into an environment where there is going to be constant love. I wish I knew how to word that better. The people I'm going to be living with are the most positive, happy, loving influences in my life. I feel like I'm in for a bit of culture shock. I've always been searching for some place to call home. I couldn't find it with Robert. I couldn't find it with Dallas. And I've never been able to find it with my family. I'm just not sure if I'm capable of accepting it. I feel like I don't deserve it, honestly.

Come Friday, my life is about to take a turn for the better. So why is it I can't shake this somber feeling?