Hmm..

"My heart is a gypsy -- continuously searching for a home, fighting within itself, wondering whether it is weak or even right for that matter to be searching in the first place. Loneliness is what it feels like. I don't really know what the urgency is I feel: loneliness or complete heart break? But I fight it, saying it can't be broken. I still have hope that I will find peace within myself, and that much be what it's about."

Jenna Jameson, 'How To Make Love Like A Porn Star'

Hey, thanks.

I know that today, above all days you're supposed to be happy and give thanks to everything and everyone in your life that you love. But I'm having a hard time getting in the spirit. Call me jaded, but with my family out of town again and Thanksgiving on my own, I'm just not feeling it.

I have, however, been thinking back on all of the things I've done this year. I feel like everything has flown by so quickly and I'm having a hard time catching up to it all. I know I'm supposed to live fully with no regrets and yadda, yadda. But I have a few. More this year than I usually do.

First and foremost, I wish Jason and I could have found some way to salvage our friendship. The whole reason I was angry with him in the end was because I felt like he was throwing away our friendship, that it meant nothing to him. But I know now that's not what it was. It seems ridiculous to me that such a good friendship went to shit so fast. We could have resolved things, and maintained civility but for some reason I had to vent every bit of anger I had. I constantly wish we could have stepped outside ourselves and fixed things. I still can't hear a good song without automatically wanting to show it to him. I still hope that maybe one day we can become friends again, but I have no idea how since the last time we talked was so cold. A girl can hope.

I regret not going to China. I had an amazing opportunity laid out in front of me. I know my life would be in such a different place right now..and I kick myself for not allowing myself to experience something new. I was so scared of stepping out of my element and being away from everything I know. But I need big life experiences. Badly. I'm afraid that by staying in this valley for the rest of my life, I'm cheating myself out of something more. The unknown. I need to know it. Desperately.

I feel responsible for watching my family disintagrate and doing nothing at all to help. I just left. Things got hard and I bailed. And now my closest relationships are gone. I hardly speak to my family at the moment. It's hard, but it's how it is. I can't change it. I can't put myself back in a situation that I know is terrible for me. And because of that, I'm spending yet another Thanksgiving alone.

I've become way too content with being alone recently, and I know I need to break the habit or I'm going to end up right where I was this time last year.

I feel like my life is just one big revolving cycle. I desperately, need something to change. I need to know that I'm going to end up achieving something in life. I don't know what, but I know I'm not on that path right now.

Fate. Or something like that.

I feel like I've found the little bit of me that was missing. This tiny little piece of my heart that's been vacant for the last year. The part that I didn't even know I needed. Or wanted. Or was searching for. Yet, when I woke up this morning with my head on his chest and the very first thing I saw was a tattoo over his heart for me.. I knew that missing piece was back in place.

This both terrifies and exhilarates me.

I'd like to say it's an even mix. But it's mostly terror, honestly.

Fear of the unknown overwhelms me and I find myself questioning the universe and fate and timing. And I'm wondering if everything really happens for a reason or if we use that as an excuse to follow our urges, no matter how ridiculous they may be. I'm hoping for the first, honestly. I've got to believe that there's some unknown reasoning for the week I've had. This whirlwind of a week that led me right back into a situation I walked away from a year ago.

I remember the morning I walked away. I looked at him, asleep. Oblivious to what was really happening. Not aware of what I had in mind. He had no idea that I never planned on coming back. I just knew, in that moment, that I couldn't keep forcing myself into his life. If he wanted me there, he had to put me in it. I gave up. I couldn't do it anymore. I kissed him goodbye and walked out.

"Outside, construction workers pour a brand new basement floor. But then, the ground starts shaking fault lines to your own front door. I looked at this and thought of you. And all that is and isn't true. And with all the strength left in me, walked on while the walls came down."

I walked away, and found myself.

I will never regret walking out.

Now it seems as though it doesn't matter if I try. Or if he tries. I thought I had successfully broken the magnetic pull we had. But the universe has swept me right back in.

Someone I thought I had left so far in my past now lives right outside my front door. And suddenly, I'm beginning to believe that you can't fight fate. Whatever that means.

We've each been on completely different paths for the last year trying to discover just who we are..but they led right back to eachother no matter how many twists and turns we took. A person is a whole new person after a year. If we're whole new people, can we still be the same together?

Wait. Rewind. I don't want us to be the same. I won't settle for how things were before. I refuse to. I don't have to. I've walked away before and you know what? My world didn't fall apart. My heart didn't disintegrate. It just didn't glow as much as when it's near his, but I survived.

But just the knowledge that I can walk away and no break gives me the upper hand. I feel more in control than I have before. I'm not going into anything blinded. I don't know where this is going to lead. I have no expectations. He will not let me down again. The minute things go south, I'm walking away again. But some little part of me is hopeful that this time will be the time that we'll get shit right. He's someone I want on my team. Someone I'd like to be a part of my life.

Last night, I finally felt at home. Every single important person in my life surrounded me. And seeing his face in the crowd finally made me feel like everything was complete. Someone once told me that home is not a place, it's a person. And I think I kind of understand what that means now. But I don't think it's a person. I think it's that moment where everything in the universe aligns for you perfectly at the same time and you know you don't need anything else in that moment. That's home. To me at least.

I was really concerned about my biggest supporters not understanding my logic in all of this, because I don't think I really understand it even. But they've been warmer that I had anticipated. And honestly, it's time that I don't care what anyone else thinks. It's time to make my own life. And my own home. Even if it means making a few crazy decisions along the way.

All week I've been expecting to wake up from a dream. This morning I realized it wasn't.

"Good morning. See babe, I promised I'd still be here when you woke up."

PS - THESE DREAMS ARE MAKING ME CRAZY.
I can't tell reality from my dream world.

At the end of the day,

You can either focus on what's tearing you apart or what's holding you together.

There was this point last night where I felt it click. I looked around my house, packed with people. People that care about me. People who are there for me now and people who were there for me in the past.

Even though I don't have a family in the true sense of the word any more, the life I lead is truly blessed by the people who are in it.

An hour before our party, I was sitting on my bathroom floor crying. As soon as everyone showed up, everything disappeared.

I've got to start focusing on the positive and let the negative go.

New Beginning.

It's officially begun. This new life of mine. And I must say, while I've never been so stressed.. I don't think I've ever been happier. The move was tough. Moving things out in the middle of my parents' war was like trying to smuggle contraband across enemy lines. I'm so glad I had Ashley there to help me with everything. I couldn't have done it on my own. I need to go back to clean, but am having a really difficult time pepping myself up enough to deal with it right now. It just brings me down.

I'm in a good place now. I love my house. I love the people I'm surrounded with, and I love that I feel like I have friends again. I'm not secluded. And it's what I needed to pull me out of the slump I was in. Things aren't even settled yet, but the first night in the house was the best I've slept in over a year. New giant bed for the win.

I'm excited to see where things go from here. They can only go up.

The move wasn't the only huge event this weekend. On Monday, Keri Leonard passed away. Keri was the aunt to my best childhood friend Chelsea. They were our neighbors and I knew them since I was in diapers. Keri was a surrogate aunt. Their entire family was my second home. Chelsea and I were inseperable until we turned 16. We went down seperate paths. She got pregnant and dropped out, I moved into my own place and we just lost touch. Neither of us really kept the friendship going. Still, the minute I heard about Keri's passing, I reached out to Chelsea. We hadn't talked in nearly five years, but I knew I wanted to be at the services. I was so nervous about seeing her and her family. I was shaking as I walked into the funeral home, as soon as I saw Chelsea we hugged and both started bawling. It was so hard to see someone I cared about so much in so much pain. It just felt right being there for her. The entire service was beautiful and not your typical funeral service. It was exactly what Keri would have wanted. We instantly picked up where we had left off. Her entire family was so warm and welcoming and made it known how much they missed me. Chelsea says that Keri was constantly harrassing her to call me and fix our friendship. In some morbid way, I think this was her way of bringing us back together. I wish we had been able to do it on better terms, but I'm thankful that we've been given a second chance at our friendship.

Rest In Peace, Keri. Thank you for the incredible memories, the lessons in compassion, teaching me to really love myself, and being an amazing example of living life to the fullest. I can only wish to be half the woman you were.

This whole experience with reuniting with Chelsea has inspired me to keep my word more. To not let my friendships slip away. When I say, HEYLET'SHANGOUT, I plan on making it happen.

I'm so lucky to have Ashley as my best friend. She's my other half. But it's been a lot of work to keep it together. I can't even imagine how many more good friends I'd have right now if I put as much effort into the friendships.

Tomorrow,

Everything changes.

Here goes nothing.

If you wanna fly, you've gotta give up the shit that weighs you down.

I'm at the top of the rollercoaster. Two more clicks, and I'll be over the hill. Soaring into something unknown. My heart is pounding. My palms are sweaty. My stomach is in my throat.

Click.
Cliiiiiick.

In less than three days, my life is going to take a huge turn. Life as I know it is going to be completely different.

I know that the environment is going to be 100% better for me. The situation I'm in is fucked up, to say the least. I live in a house with people that used to be my family. It's no longer a home, and we're all just strangers. I don't think I've ever been so depressed. If I'm home, which is rare, I'm secluded to my room. Upstairs, all I hear is screaming. Doors slamming. Pounding. I feel helpless. Vulnerable. I'm 22 years old and I have that same feeling I had when I was 10 listening to the same shit. It's hard to be surrounded by people that are supposed to love each other unconditionally that do nothing but hate each other. Hate to the fullest extent of the word. These people are not the people I know, the people I love. Drugs, alcohol, and mental instability has wrecked them. It's hard to watch them put on a facade in front of other people. Pretending to be such a happy family. All I want to do is call them on their bullshit. But I stay silent. I keep out of it. I will not let them destroy me like they've destroyed themselves. I feel guilty about leaving my brother behind. He's so young, and is carrying the weight of all of this on his shoulders. I wish I could save him.

I'm going into an environment where there is going to be constant love. I wish I knew how to word that better. The people I'm going to be living with are the most positive, happy, loving influences in my life. I feel like I'm in for a bit of culture shock. I've always been searching for some place to call home. I couldn't find it with Robert. I couldn't find it with Dallas. And I've never been able to find it with my family. I'm just not sure if I'm capable of accepting it. I feel like I don't deserve it, honestly.

Come Friday, my life is about to take a turn for the better. So why is it I can't shake this somber feeling?

Gotta Lotta Walls.

Quick Update:

-New promotion kicks ass. I've kicked up my hourly wage about four dollars an hour. On a slow day. Hello, money. Savings. Financial security. And buying whatever the hell I want.

-We move in 17 days. It keeps getting closer and closer. I cannot wait.

-My mom is doing 9012894813947 times better. It's incredible.

-Hustling. To say the least.

-Two birthday dinners, Atmostphere, Let Me In, Rob Zombie, and my birthday this weekend. Cannot wait.

Life rocks.

The end.

Oh, yeah.

23 days.
<321

Raise Your Weapon - Deadmau5 [ BRAND NEW ]

Well, I finally found techno I love. I think I was just waiting for the right song to hit me.

A.ma.zing.

!!!

31 days.
That is all.

Seriously,

Leave me alone. There's a reason all significant entries from over the past month have been private. I shouldn't have to think "Fuuuck, what now?" everytime I log into facebook and have a message in my inbox.

:]

I want to be where your heart is home.

She & Him. And Him. And dancing with the girls. And beer. And Desert Edge.

Love.Love.Love.

A breath of fresh air.

Life has been incredible lately. Every single day has been a new, amazing adventure. I'm exactly where I want to be in life right now, progressing. I keep apologizing to myself every day about getting so off track. If I had stuck to the plan and my gut, I could have found this peace of mind a few months ago. I'm in love with everything around me. Friends. Family. Work. Boy. Late night phone calls. Bar nights. Adventures. Pinnacle grape. Thai food excursions. Music. Concerts. Rollercoasters. Bon fires. Pool parties. BBQ's. Every single day has had something different to offer. I forgot I was capable of feeling this way. I am so happy with where my life is going.

Now, if only we could manage to find a third roommate.. Everything would be picture perfect.

Tracers.

It's crazy that reading one word can bring back this huge flood of the most vivid memories I've ever had. Chills instantly run up my spine and leave goosebumps reminding me of, undeniably, one of the most life changing experiences I've ever had. I'm suddenly reminded of the overwhelming feeling that life is good, no great. Everything in it is great and deserves to be experienced in a positive manner. I remember what it's like to feel completely comfortable with myself. I can feel the rush of needing, not just wanting. I never understood it before. Every memory should be able to be felt this thoroughly. I'm left wondering why I can't have any other memories so vivid and questioning, for the first time ever, if I'd relive the memory or take it back in a heartbeat.

Hello, August.

I've had the most incredible week. August is definitely shaping up to be 100 times better than July ever was. I don't think last month would have been nearly as bad if I hadn't been stuck in bed recovering for three weeks, left with nothing to do other than overanalyze EVERYTHING. It feels good to feel better. It feels good to be back to working my normal crazy schedule of 55 hours a week. It feels good to be around my friends again. Hello, breath of fresh air. I've needed you.

I wish Andy Hull would marry me.

Mm. My ears are in love with his voice.

Words of wisdom from a 17 year old.

"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the biterness steal away your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe the world to be a beautiful place."

You don't know me.

It's time for a serious update about the last month.

July was the worst month I've had so far this year. By far. Everyday, it seemed like I was being dealt a new blow. I try to force myself to remain positive through whatever is thrown my way but the more that kept piling on, the more stressed I became.

First with finances. Found more hospital debt that I thought had been taken care of. Hello, yet another monthly bill. When I got my car accident settlement, Tim ripped me off and took more than half of it. I had to give him the check because the car was registered in his name. I didn't expect him to rip me off so badly and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. Thanks, Dad. My surgery cost me way more than I had planned after additional visits and all of the medication. Plus, missing work for it and still trying to catch up from Mexico..this month was just one big pit of debt. I've worked my ass off to pull myself out of it and rebuild a savings and I'm proud of myself for doing it so quickly. It just frustrates me beyond belief that I have to work myself to the bone and two different jobs just to get by. I want to go back to school so I can have a decent paying job, but I can't afford it. What an awesome Catch 22. I will build even more savings. I will go back to school. I'm more determined now than ever.

Home life is completely unbearable. The fact that a 16 year old bipolar teenage girls controls the entire household is absolutely ridiculous. If she's raging, which is almost always, it means my parents are fighting. If my parents are fighting, Cody's crying. Jaycee's screaming. This is way too common of an occurance. The fact that she gets away with as much as she does astonishes me. I'm constantly being threatened to be kicked out for voicing my opinion about her wildness, but she gets to do whatever the hell she wants without reprocussion. I want a stable home. I'm sick of watching my family deteriorate. If it's going to happen, I'd rather not be there.

Which is why I was so excited about the townhome. It was going to be a new start for me. A place to actually call home and just be able to breathe. But, we had to give it up. Charlie ended up backing out last minute leaving us roommateless. I tried to find a third roommate, but it just didn't work out on such short notice. We have a back up plan, but I'm not going to put much hope into until it actually happens. I don't want to get my hopes up again. Spending a perfectly good Saturday crying over a living situation is no good. I'll get out. I've just got to give it time.

My mom's health is still crumbling. It makes me feel so guilty about leaving. But I can't sacrifice myself any more and she understands that. I know the reason our household has fallen apart is because she just doesn't have the strength to keep it together. I hate seeing her in pain. It breaks my heart every day. If there were anything I could do to ease her pain, I would without any hesitation. They're trying something new this week after getting her CAT scan results last week and finding a new absess. I pray it helps. Even just a little.

My surgery last month was hell. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I had a painful recovery, an allergic reaction to my anesthesia and pain medication, I was unable to keep anything down for days, wound up with dry socket on both sides. I had no grasp of how painful that could be until experiencing it. It's been three weeks and I'm still dealing with being swollen, sore, and bleeding. Definitely not a normal recovery time. I'd just like it to be done and over with.

In other July developments, I've had a lot of lessons regarding friendship this month. Letting too many worthless friends go, and building better friendships with the ones who actually matter. I've found friendships in the strangest places. It blows my mind how many different ways people can meet and be intertwined. It's a really small world. I've watched enemies become friends this month. Foes become allys. It's absolutely insane. Seeing it has made me evalutate quite a few of my friendships. I'm trying to make them stronger and appreciate them more. So far it's working well and I hope it continues to progress. I usually try to be such an independant person, but I'm realizing that having stable connections in the world to fall back on help keep you sane.

Right now, I'm having difficulty with always wanting to say too much. Always feeling like I constantly have to defend and explain myself to change any preconceieved notions about me. Why the hell should I care what anyone else thinks about me, especially when they're not significant in my life? People will assume what they want. And it doesn't matter if I try to explain myself or not, they've already got those assumptions in mind. Life is too short for me to be concerned with other people. You can read anything I write and take whatever you'd like out of it. You're getting your information off the internet and in the end, you're probably wrong. Assume all you'd like, have whatever opinion of me you'd like, it doesn't matter to me. One thing I've learned about assumptions lately is that they are almost always completely inaccurate. Life is too short to hold anything against someone you don't even know. Just let it go and live your own life.

There's a million more things to update about right now but my brain is fried from the lack of sleep last night. Time to recharge.

Amazingly,

The minute I said it that had been pent up, the very second I hit send, it felt like all of the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't angry, or sad, or bitter. I was just done, and with great relief.

I had a very difficult choice to make.. I could either say exactly what you wanted to hear or I could say what was actually on my mind. I decided that it was about time I start speaking my point of view. I always sit by, idly watching people come in and out of my life. Getting attached while they're in and longing for them while they're out. I never speak my mind, stick up for myself. I just let it happen. I couldn't anymore. It had all built up. And while I feel bad that a once great friendship was lost, I owed it to myself to at least speak up.

I've said everything I've ever needed to.

And now, while I wish things could have ended on less..bitter terms. I'm finally not angry or sad. I'm just done. And I with this chapter closing, I can move on. I won't cringe when I see your name (which is pretty much everywhere), I won't avoid King of the Hill, or Taco Time, or Club 48 because they remind me of you. I've avoided turning on the computer in my room for two months because your face is on the background. Now I can't wait to turn it on and change it. I won't avoid my ipod just because there's a chance your band might come on shuffle. I don't have this sick to my stomach gutwrenching feeling when I think of you. I spent almost two months with that feeling of uncertainty in my stomach. And I'm so glad all of that is done. Letting someone in is hard, letting them go is harder.

I'm just so ready to move on.

Now,

Oh, hey relatable line in book.

"Even before she hung up, something possessed her. It wasn't anger so much as a feeling of abandon, the hard snapping twang of release -- she was letting go of all that had, for so long, been holding her back. What was it that was holding her back? she wondered now. Why had she so fully given into this idea of patience and long-suffering? Why was she waiting for answers? The hell with patience. She was done with waiting, with standing around and wringing her hands not saying what she really needed to."

Dreams are a tricky thing.

Last Wednesday, I finally had my wisdom teeth taken out (as well as quarter inch segments of each side of my jaw.) The recovery has been hell, to say the least. I think that lately I live by Murphy's Law. What can go wrong, will. Always. Tough surgery, bad reaction to the anesthesia and the pain medication, the inability to keep anything down, all leading up to two dry sockets. Hello, soft diet for two more weeks. I miss food, real food. I can feel my body shutting down from the lack of nutrients. I hate it. I miss food with texture. I also have been constantly medicated for the last week which has lead to some abnormal actions and crazy ass dreams.

I've had not one, but two late night conversations with people who are a part of the past. And in turn, I've found peace of mind. It all just clicks. I've said what I've needed to, extended the proverbal olive branch, made my peace. I've left the door wide open, and I can now walk away knowing it's not in my hands anymore. Goodbye, gutwrenching feeling. If people are meant to be in my life, they'll put themselves there.

The second conversation was actually sparked by a terrible dream. It was gruesome. I've had a lot of pretty intense dreams, but this one takes the cake. It was bad enough that I'm not going to write about it. But, I woke up in the middle of the night crying. Freaking out. I was so shaken up that I had to know the person involved was okay. After not talking to him for nearly a year, I let him know what was going on and to my surprise he responded and calmed me down. I think most people would freak out after getting a 'Hey, I need to make sure you're alive' text at 3 o' clock in the morning. I'm glad he didn't. And I'm glad he's okay. Worst. Dream. Ever.

My dad got laid off yesterday. And all of the sudden I feel guilty about moving out. I still haven't told my parents.. First, I just wanted to wait until everything was set in stone. But now, I'm worried about their reaction. I know I shouldn't feel responsibility for taking care of the family..But I always will. I'm worried that losing the rent I pay is going to put them in an even worse situation.

I just want to know when the time is going to come that I can do things for myself without feeling guilty. I want to be able to make a big, huge, life changing decision without having to factore other people into the equation. This is my life. No one else is taking care of me, so why am I constantly taking care of everyone else?

...

Hell yes!

We were approved for our town home today.

It's all happening.

Oh, the anticipation.

The next adventure in my life is about to begin and the closer I get to it, the more nervous I get. It's like the long, drawn out ride to the top of a rollercoaster. I know that once the ride gets going, it's going to be a blast. But the waiting to get to the top makes me absolutely anxious.

I'm excited to be out on my own again, but it is going to be such a huge change. While I don't love most things about it.. I do love the comfort of living with my parents because it's my home. It's the one place I'm always going to feel safe and secure. But, I'm an adult. And I can't stay in that shelter forever. I miss the freedoms of living on my own. I constantly crave them. Plus, I know living with Adam and Charlie is going to be a riot. I'm ready for some good times.

I just wish I could skip the next few weeks and be done with this whole ordeal already. I was never really one for rollercoasters.

Take it or leave it.

My family means everything to me. And I'd do just about anything for any one of my siblings. But there comes a point where I just can't take anymore.

I can't take her mood swings.
I can't taker her temper tantrums.
I can't take her treating my mom like shit.
I can't take her ruining every good day we try to have.
I can't take her threatening to kill herself weekly.
I can't take her putting drugs above everything else.

I love my sister, and I always will.
But I'm at the point where I just don't care enough to keep trying.

She's burned this bridge one too many times.

Oh, man.

I have a new crush. Rome? Yes, please. :]

Astonishingly,

It upsets me less every day.

All my dreams and all this stuff.. All made real, and it's not enough.

I took HCG for a week, dropped 10 pounds.
But, I've been super sick while taking it so I had to quit to figure out if it's the HCG or if I'm legitimately sick. All the symptoms are pointing to the latter. I'm frustrated that I can't keep taking it. It felt like the solution to my body problems and the results I was seeing made me so incredibly happy. I have to find a way to love myself again.

There are so many great things happening right now.. But I still want more. Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm taking everything I have for granted. I just can't help but feel that I'm missing out on something. I don't even know what it is, I just know I haven't found whatever it is I'm craving from life right now.

I need an adventure.

+/-

I am having a really hard time staying positive this week. While there has been so many great things sprinkled in, the negative things just keep piling up and I'm trying so hard to keep them from outweighing the good.

This week has consisted of:
+ Toy Story 3! <3
+ Movie night tuesday, the most fun I've had in a while.
+ Cuddling with Lenny.
+ Being appointed to host the next movie night. (I'm thinking..Pauly Shore night)
- The dealership messing up my check, leaving me broke all week.
+ Hanging out with Stefani on Wednesday. Nothing like beer and hookah after work.
+ Starting HCG. Dropped 8.3 pounds in the first two days of the diet.
- Got the flu on Thursday, so I have had to quit the HCG until it gets better. Who gets the flu in June?! :/
+ Finally got some resolution. If you could call it that.
- Missing someone, a lot. Even though I know I shouldn't.
+ Brent's going away party last night.
+ Torching all of our Megaplex uniforms. Hello, revenge.
+ "No more booms. Bangs are still fine though."
- Wisdom teeth problems again keeping me up at night. I should have got them out months ago.
+ Being told I could be a Beer Goddess. Coolest compliment, ever.
+ Convincing Adam to come back to the party after he'd already left. Seriously, I'm so glad we're friends.
- Still sick so I can't keep anything down, but because my body is still burning 4500 calories a day I'm literally running on empty. Worst sick ever.
- No sleep last night, no food today. I'm in for a long day at work.
- Car problems on the way to work. I cannot afford to fix something on it right now.

Despite it all, I'm trying to maintain a positive attitude. I know in the end, things will work themselves out. They have to. I have so many great people in my life right now that I need to appreciate them and not long after people who don't want to be a part of it. There are so many great things coming up in my life right now. I need to keep focus on those and let all of the negative fade away. Here's to moving forward.

I need a time machine.

Embarrassing myself by writing how I feel about my life in my blog? I don't think so. You should be embarrassed for creating a fake account just to read my blog. Get a life, or stay out of mine.

Moving forward.

To the fullest extent of the term.

I'd like to fast forward past July. I need it to be August already.

Then the newest chapter of my life will be in full swing.

This anticipation is killing me.

Hey world, I'm happy.

If you would have told me a month ago what direction my life would be heading in today.. I would have thought you were full of shit. I thought I'd be buying quitting the dealership, living with Rachel and Diego, getting school shit together, and spending all of my time with Jason. My, my how quickly things can change. While I'm sad about the way some things have turned out, I couldn't be happier with others.

Currently, I'm keeping the dealership job. Since I've been back from Mexico, I've actually really grown to like it. At first it was supposed to just help me with my trip. But now I need to becaaaaause...

I'm moving in with Adam and Charlie. I'm not exactly positive how it happened, honestly. But in one week it went from something casually mentioned in conversation to Adam and I apartment hunting yesterday. We've got it narrowed down and everything planned out. I couldn't be more excited. Come August 1st, our new chapter begins. I'm so stoked to be living with boys again. While it's a major cockblock for a girl, I love living with guys. Always have.

I will still be purchasing a new car before winter. It's my ultimate goal. I don't think my car can handle one more winter. So, I'm going to drive it while I save up a little bit more for a down payment and get our living situation settled.

Zupas has been entirely tedious since I've been back from Mexico. My boss can sense it so she's been trying to get me away from my normal routine. I'm still craving something new though. I know I can't risk getting a new job right when I'm planning to move out so I'm going to stick it out. But I'm pushing really hard for a new position. I'd like to be permanently on catering as a driver or coordinator. Even as a full time driver I'd be making more than I do now and I'd get to do something different daily. I'd really love a catering coordinator though. It's a great position and pays enough that I could quit the dealership if it ever became too hard to juggle both. I'm just hoping they'll let me switch soon before I get too restless.

No word from Jason. No explanation. It's not like I expected to be with him and I don't know if he understands that. I mean, I really wanted something more with him. But was waiting for him to want it too. I was starting to trust in him, but knew ultimately, even with everything we were doing, we would probably just be friends. I just thought we were going to be friends for longer this time. It seemed like we were becoming really close again. He still says stuff on facebook every once in a while, but I don't want to be just internet friends. What really bothers me about the whole situation is that he doesn't respect me or our friendship enough after six years to be upfront with me. He sent some major mixed signals. Sleeping with me three times in one day the last time I saw him gave me the strong assumption that everything between us was okay and normal. But as soon as I got back I was straight up ignored. I'm sorry, but being ignored after knowing eachother for six years is just cold. I wish he would be straightforward like he usually is and just let me know what's up. I don't care either way, I'm just so frustrated that I have no idea why he just cut me off. But I can't let myself look like a fool anymore waiting for him, I've just gotta move on. Easy come, easy go I guess. I'm getting really sick of the breaks in our friendship though. And I don't know if we'll ever be friends again this time.

I ultimately decided against going to China. While I think it's a great opportunity..I just can't do it right now. My mom is having so many problems with her health right now that I couldn't bear being thousands of miles away. I couldn't be there right away if I needed to be. I know I'm probably going to regret not going. You just don't get many opportinities like this in your life. But on the other hand, if anything were to happen and I weren't around I'd regret it even more.

I've spent a lot of time with my JAMF crew this week and it has been the biggest breath of fresh air. It's been such a long time since we've all been together but I've missed them so much. Tuesday night we partied at Craig's. Matt and James were there. Hugs from those boys make everything better and James said some of the sweetest things any friend has ever told me. Last night I went to the bar with Craig, Brandon and Angie. It was such a blast. Most fun I've had ini ages. Craig and I are...like we always are. Which I know isn't healthy. But it's just what happens. He fills some lonely void I have and doesn't expect anything serious. It just works. I'm really disappointed that Ash hasn't been around..but I can't force her. She's the one missing out on these experiences but I just don't know what else to do to get her to come around. I hoped that the cruise would bring us closer again when we got back, but it didn't work out that way. When we invite her to do things, she doesn't show. I wish she would. I miss my best friend. I have Angie. I'm so glad she's home for the summer. It's nice having her around to go to.

There is a potential bar night 2.0 tonight if I hear back from Stevie. I could use me some club 48 right about now.

Tomorrow night I'm going to see my real dad. His girlfriend invited me to a bbq. It's going to be strange because I've never met her before but we've already had a lot of really intense conversations. It's also going to be the first time in years that I've actually spent time with my dad. I'm not sure what to expect, but I'm going to keep an open mind to it.

HCG on Monday. Angie is doing it with me, so hopefully having someone to struggle with will be beneficial. I'm actually looking forward to doing it. I can't wait to see the results.

Hey world, I'm happy.

Back to furniture shopping. :]

40 Life Changing Lessons

So far this year has been an adventure. It has had ups and downs but has ultimately been such a great time for me to learn. I've enjoyed every minute of it and the people in it. Here's just a few of the serious and seriously hilarious lessons I've learned. If you've been involved in any of these, thanks for the good times. Let's make some more.

1.History will always repeat itself in one way or another. True fact.

2.TV commercials often advertise things not available in Utah. This is becoming a major problem in my life. The only solution for it is a road trip where said product is available, of course.

3.Don't abandon your bed for long periods of time. When you finally come crawling back to it, it will be full of spite and revenge and will make your life miserable.

4.Never lend money to anyone. I don't care about the circumstances. Just don't do it. Ever.

5.1997 Nissan Altimas are moving targets for driver's side collisions.

6.“Mean everything to no thing.” Thank you, Andy Hull.

7.Driving a BMW to and/or from a bar in Murray (while sober!) almost always guarantees you to get pulled over because Murray cops are bored out of their minds.

8.Always, always, always trust your gut instinct. It knows everything you don't.

9.Dreams mean everything. Don't give up on them. Something to look forward to will get you through the days.

10.Alcohol tastes better in Las Vegas. Alcohol tastes better in Mexico. Alcohol tastes better anywhere outside of Utah.

11.For some reason, I just don't have it in me to truly love techno. I tried.

12.Drinking Coors Light and Boones Farm is CLASSY.

13.Once in a while, knowing shady people is actually very beneficial.

14.“We are in the desert. If I don't eat soon.. I will seriously, for real die.”

15.Random, spontaneous road trips are always a good idea.

16.Wristbands only cost 15-25 cents at party stores and come in a wide range of colors. Remember this. One day, it will allow you to gain access to pretty much anywhere.

17.The wind is a dirty thief. If you have cash, it will steal it.

18.You never, ever want the red dot.

19.My dad is capable of installing a toilet on an air conditioner.

20.Boba, after a night of drinking, is a very suitable breakfast.

21.Friendships change. People grow apart. You've got to learn to adapt to these changes or kiss the friendship goodbye.

22.Picking a lock to sleep next to someone you like is a good idea and not as creepy as it sounds.

23.Morgan Freeman in The Shawshank Redemption is a bad ass. Morgan Freeman look-a-like at the bar is a creeper.

24.Water directly from the faucet to your mouth is surprisingly refreshing and fascinating.

25.“Fun fact!!” The ear has thousands of nerve endings.

26.I am not a morning person. While I've known this my whole life, my ability to function in the morning gets worse and worse daily.

27.My hair does not agree with the humidity in Mexico. Therefore, I will not be moving there any time soon. Sorry, Antonio.

28.A gin and tonic made with Bombay Sapphire and 4 limes is a drink straight from God. Mm.

29.Friendship is a two way street. If you want me in your life, put me there. I can't force myself in.

30.“Ten points for Gryffindor!” It's a movement. Catch it.

31.Don't get comfortable, ease up, let your walls down, feel safe or attach. The moment you do, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Letting people in is tough, letting them go is tougher. Whatever you do, be careful.

32.Crazy annoying molesting drunk girls should always come with sweat stains and their own Lady Gaga lyrics.

33.Justin Bieber kills friendships. Beware of catching Bieber fever.

34. Stay mad as long as you can. Because once you're not mad any more, it will hurt.

35.“Don't dwell on the end at the expense of the here and now.”

36.It is what it is. Don't ask questions. Don't read into things. Take everything at face value.

37.“One good thing about music, when it hits you feel no pain.”

38.It is nearly impossible to be on the same page with someone at the exact same time. Timing is a coldhearted bitch.

39.“Let's be happy with what we have. Enjoy the beauty in these days. Sometimes we'll laugh, sometimes we'll scream. No one said caring was easy.” (And yes, I have this tattooed.)

40. Even though it has its up and downs, even though sometimes it really fucking hurts, even though it's unpredictable...Life is great. And it's only going to get better. I'm moving forward. I hope you're coming with me.

I just want back in your head.

I hate that once I finally think I have an idea of where things are going to play out, the the moment I ease up and let someone in, the minute I decide to trust.. Everything crumbles.

I had a lot of fear about going on my trip. I knew that when I came back everything would be different, and it completely is. It took a long time for me to trust Jason. To open myself up to the idea of him. I was just scared of history repeating itself. But, I finally reached the point where I trusted it. And the day I trusted it, I told him. I think I used the word attached, which looking back was probably the wrong choice of words. I just had reached the point where I knew that if we took our normal frienship break, it would really hurt. We had this conversation on his balcony while we were drunk but I meant all of it. He told me not to worry. And I thought everything was going to be okay.

During that conversation, he told me he wanted me to try more. And ever since I have. Nonstop. And ever since that conversation it's got me nowhere. Nearly every time I've asked him to hang out, I've been ignored which is beyond frustrating. If he wants me to back off, I get it. But I'd at least like honesty about it. It just doesn't feel right. There's no closure to everything. I have no idea what's going on. And in the past, I've always been able to just walk away from him. But this time I opened up way more, I put myself out there. I trusted him. And now I have no idea what's going on.

Thank you for reminding me not to open up. Not to trust anyone. And if I ever feel comfortable, I should run far far away.

You smile in your sleep.

The people in my life right now are really incredible. It's amazing how making new friendships has given me a new perspective.

I know, that there's life beyond everything I've always relied on. No saying it will ever be easy to give up. But I can feel the end of it more and more every day.

I wish I felt like I still had a best friend, but every day I feel us growing further apart. I'm sick of being blown off, of being treated like shit, of being the only one to even try. There's not a doubt in my mind that if it weren't for work and this trip we wouldn't be close right now. And I feel like I've done all I can do on my end. This vacation is going to make or break us. It's either going to bring us closer again or be our last hoo-rah as friends. I'm not hoping for the latter. But a lot has got to change to put us in a better place. I feel like we don't even know eachother anymore. I hate that.

Friday night when Jason and I hung out I got drunk enough to bring up how worried I was that me leaving for ten days is going to mess everything up. I still can't believe we had the conversation we did. In the past, when we have gaps in talking it messes us up. I feel like I have to constantly let him know I'm interested or I'm going to miss out. I'm scared that when I come back things are going to be different. I know he's interested in someone else right now, I'm not sure if he knows. But it seems pretty obvious. Which is fine. I get it. I just worry that history is going to repeat itself. I've tried to stay unattached this time. But the closer we get the harder it is. He really is someone I like having in my life. And I see all of the qualities I want in someone in him. Losing that this time around would be tough. Our conversation eased my mind though. And in the end, I'm glad we had it. He kept assuring me that he isn't like he was in the past. I hope that's true. We both want the other one to constantly show interest..to be the first one to initiate everything. And that's rough on my end. I want to constantly spend time with him, but I'm afraid of coming off needy and him getting sick of it so I don't do it as often as I'd like. Also, I'd like him to show more interest. Sometimes, I feel like he's just not feeling it like he was in the beginning. I hate that I have to initiate most conversations. I miss him saying he constantly wanted to spend time with me and asking when he gets to see me again. Hello, I'm Jalice and sometimes I need reassurance. God, this sounds negative. It's not. I think I'm just going to see how things play out when I get back. We're on such good terms now. I hope they remain the same when I get back. I know I'm going to miss him when I'm gone. And hopefully when I'll get back he'll cuddle my brains out.

My mom is having pretty major surgery tomorrow. And I'm so scared about it. Her health has always been such a huge issue. I'm lucky to have her after everything she's gone through. Anything more and I'm scared she's never going to get better. I love my mom. After not having my dad..she's always been double important to me. She is my rock.

Rachel and I are apartment hunting when I get back. Diego, her, and myself living together. Should be interesting. It's not the ideal situation but Jason having his own place really makes me miss the freedom.

When I get back, I start my HCG injections. My mom is so against this. She's so angry at me for it. But it's something I want to do. I know it's extreme, but I just want to feel pretty again. I need the confidence. I need to feel better about myself. I feel like if I could just gain more confidence I could really take control of everything and make my life start going in the right direction.

I just want some stability.

"And then he said something like this...'I would die for you, but I won't live for you.' Something like that. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people. Maybe that is what makes people 'participate.' I hope so anyway."

I'm moving on, I hope you're coming with me.

It's been over a year since I last posted.

And boy, is life different.

New job(s), new friends, new outlook.

Almost everyone I made a post about is out of my life. For good. Almost everyone.

Dallas is officially gone. No need to go into details because I just made a clean break. It's been since November. It took me three years, but the chain is broken and I don't even miss him at all. (Lie. Most days I do.) BUT. This, by far, has been my biggest accomplishment in the last year.

My life is no longer a revolving door. For anyone. Period.

Jason and I are closer than we've ever been. It came out of left field. He just texted me out of the blue one day and we've been fixing our friendship since. I feel like we're finally in that place I was hoping for in the post I made about him last February. The place where we can actually stick around in each other's lives. I need that. He's brought this strange sense of comfort to me. Just the ability to be comfortable in my own skin, and be comfortable around someone else. I'm always so guarded..It's been a long time since I've felt comfortable around anyone. I don't know if he realizes how big of a deal this is to me..but I just appreciate it so much. It couldn't have come at a better time in life. Everything I wrote about him over a year ago is still true. He's still hilarious. He's still my musical muse. And my favorite thing to do with him is still cuddle while watching tv. He's opened my eyes to new experiences and has brought me out of my shell. I like where we are. I don't want us to take a year long break in friendship like we always do. While I'm prepared for that to happen because I've been through it before...I don't want to deal with it again. I don't know where this is going to end up, but for once..I'm not even worried about it.

I gave up my spot at Le Cordon Bleu and I quit my job at the theater to persue a cooking career that ended horribly.

Hello, I'm Jalice. I'm 21. And I'm terrified I'm never going to be good at anything.

I have two worthless dead end jobs. I need something more. Something bigger.

I now am constantly craving change, something that used to frighten me.

The list of people I completely trust has gone from and handful to very few in a short amount of time. It now mostly consists of family. I never thought I'd lose faith in certain people..but I guess that sometimes, people just grow apart. It's unavoidable.

In the past year I've become an aunt. And my family instantly became more important to me than anything else. My brothers are the only boys who will love me unconditionally. And my sisters are the only girls I can completely trust to not throw me away.

A year ago, I can't believe I was actually talking marriage and babies. I'm thankful every day that never happened. Especially with him. I now take my birth control faithfully and will wait until someone appreciates me until contemplating marriage.

Despite all of this sounding negative, it has been the best year of my life.

I've never been more aware of who I am and what I want out of life.

And while I don't know how I'm going to get there, or who's going to be by my side in the end..I've learned to appreciate the journey. Because in the end, that's all that really matters.