I know that today, above all days you're supposed to be happy and give thanks to everything and everyone in your life that you love. But I'm having a hard time getting in the spirit. Call me jaded, but with my family out of town again and Thanksgiving on my own, I'm just not feeling it.
I have, however, been thinking back on all of the things I've done this year. I feel like everything has flown by so quickly and I'm having a hard time catching up to it all. I know I'm supposed to live fully with no regrets and yadda, yadda. But I have a few. More this year than I usually do.
First and foremost, I wish Jason and I could have found some way to salvage our friendship. The whole reason I was angry with him in the end was because I felt like he was throwing away our friendship, that it meant nothing to him. But I know now that's not what it was. It seems ridiculous to me that such a good friendship went to shit so fast. We could have resolved things, and maintained civility but for some reason I had to vent every bit of anger I had. I constantly wish we could have stepped outside ourselves and fixed things. I still can't hear a good song without automatically wanting to show it to him. I still hope that maybe one day we can become friends again, but I have no idea how since the last time we talked was so cold. A girl can hope.
I regret not going to China. I had an amazing opportunity laid out in front of me. I know my life would be in such a different place right now..and I kick myself for not allowing myself to experience something new. I was so scared of stepping out of my element and being away from everything I know. But I need big life experiences. Badly. I'm afraid that by staying in this valley for the rest of my life, I'm cheating myself out of something more. The unknown. I need to know it. Desperately.
I feel responsible for watching my family disintagrate and doing nothing at all to help. I just left. Things got hard and I bailed. And now my closest relationships are gone. I hardly speak to my family at the moment. It's hard, but it's how it is. I can't change it. I can't put myself back in a situation that I know is terrible for me. And because of that, I'm spending yet another Thanksgiving alone.
I've become way too content with being alone recently, and I know I need to break the habit or I'm going to end up right where I was this time last year.
I feel like my life is just one big revolving cycle. I desperately, need something to change. I need to know that I'm going to end up achieving something in life. I don't know what, but I know I'm not on that path right now.
I have, however, been thinking back on all of the things I've done this year. I feel like everything has flown by so quickly and I'm having a hard time catching up to it all. I know I'm supposed to live fully with no regrets and yadda, yadda. But I have a few. More this year than I usually do.
First and foremost, I wish Jason and I could have found some way to salvage our friendship. The whole reason I was angry with him in the end was because I felt like he was throwing away our friendship, that it meant nothing to him. But I know now that's not what it was. It seems ridiculous to me that such a good friendship went to shit so fast. We could have resolved things, and maintained civility but for some reason I had to vent every bit of anger I had. I constantly wish we could have stepped outside ourselves and fixed things. I still can't hear a good song without automatically wanting to show it to him. I still hope that maybe one day we can become friends again, but I have no idea how since the last time we talked was so cold. A girl can hope.
I regret not going to China. I had an amazing opportunity laid out in front of me. I know my life would be in such a different place right now..and I kick myself for not allowing myself to experience something new. I was so scared of stepping out of my element and being away from everything I know. But I need big life experiences. Badly. I'm afraid that by staying in this valley for the rest of my life, I'm cheating myself out of something more. The unknown. I need to know it. Desperately.
I feel responsible for watching my family disintagrate and doing nothing at all to help. I just left. Things got hard and I bailed. And now my closest relationships are gone. I hardly speak to my family at the moment. It's hard, but it's how it is. I can't change it. I can't put myself back in a situation that I know is terrible for me. And because of that, I'm spending yet another Thanksgiving alone.
I've become way too content with being alone recently, and I know I need to break the habit or I'm going to end up right where I was this time last year.
I feel like my life is just one big revolving cycle. I desperately, need something to change. I need to know that I'm going to end up achieving something in life. I don't know what, but I know I'm not on that path right now.
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