Hey, thanks.

I know that today, above all days you're supposed to be happy and give thanks to everything and everyone in your life that you love. But I'm having a hard time getting in the spirit. Call me jaded, but with my family out of town again and Thanksgiving on my own, I'm just not feeling it.

I have, however, been thinking back on all of the things I've done this year. I feel like everything has flown by so quickly and I'm having a hard time catching up to it all. I know I'm supposed to live fully with no regrets and yadda, yadda. But I have a few. More this year than I usually do.

First and foremost, I wish Jason and I could have found some way to salvage our friendship. The whole reason I was angry with him in the end was because I felt like he was throwing away our friendship, that it meant nothing to him. But I know now that's not what it was. It seems ridiculous to me that such a good friendship went to shit so fast. We could have resolved things, and maintained civility but for some reason I had to vent every bit of anger I had. I constantly wish we could have stepped outside ourselves and fixed things. I still can't hear a good song without automatically wanting to show it to him. I still hope that maybe one day we can become friends again, but I have no idea how since the last time we talked was so cold. A girl can hope.

I regret not going to China. I had an amazing opportunity laid out in front of me. I know my life would be in such a different place right now..and I kick myself for not allowing myself to experience something new. I was so scared of stepping out of my element and being away from everything I know. But I need big life experiences. Badly. I'm afraid that by staying in this valley for the rest of my life, I'm cheating myself out of something more. The unknown. I need to know it. Desperately.

I feel responsible for watching my family disintagrate and doing nothing at all to help. I just left. Things got hard and I bailed. And now my closest relationships are gone. I hardly speak to my family at the moment. It's hard, but it's how it is. I can't change it. I can't put myself back in a situation that I know is terrible for me. And because of that, I'm spending yet another Thanksgiving alone.

I've become way too content with being alone recently, and I know I need to break the habit or I'm going to end up right where I was this time last year.

I feel like my life is just one big revolving cycle. I desperately, need something to change. I need to know that I'm going to end up achieving something in life. I don't know what, but I know I'm not on that path right now.

Fate. Or something like that.

I feel like I've found the little bit of me that was missing. This tiny little piece of my heart that's been vacant for the last year. The part that I didn't even know I needed. Or wanted. Or was searching for. Yet, when I woke up this morning with my head on his chest and the very first thing I saw was a tattoo over his heart for me.. I knew that missing piece was back in place.

This both terrifies and exhilarates me.

I'd like to say it's an even mix. But it's mostly terror, honestly.

Fear of the unknown overwhelms me and I find myself questioning the universe and fate and timing. And I'm wondering if everything really happens for a reason or if we use that as an excuse to follow our urges, no matter how ridiculous they may be. I'm hoping for the first, honestly. I've got to believe that there's some unknown reasoning for the week I've had. This whirlwind of a week that led me right back into a situation I walked away from a year ago.

I remember the morning I walked away. I looked at him, asleep. Oblivious to what was really happening. Not aware of what I had in mind. He had no idea that I never planned on coming back. I just knew, in that moment, that I couldn't keep forcing myself into his life. If he wanted me there, he had to put me in it. I gave up. I couldn't do it anymore. I kissed him goodbye and walked out.

"Outside, construction workers pour a brand new basement floor. But then, the ground starts shaking fault lines to your own front door. I looked at this and thought of you. And all that is and isn't true. And with all the strength left in me, walked on while the walls came down."

I walked away, and found myself.

I will never regret walking out.

Now it seems as though it doesn't matter if I try. Or if he tries. I thought I had successfully broken the magnetic pull we had. But the universe has swept me right back in.

Someone I thought I had left so far in my past now lives right outside my front door. And suddenly, I'm beginning to believe that you can't fight fate. Whatever that means.

We've each been on completely different paths for the last year trying to discover just who we are..but they led right back to eachother no matter how many twists and turns we took. A person is a whole new person after a year. If we're whole new people, can we still be the same together?

Wait. Rewind. I don't want us to be the same. I won't settle for how things were before. I refuse to. I don't have to. I've walked away before and you know what? My world didn't fall apart. My heart didn't disintegrate. It just didn't glow as much as when it's near his, but I survived.

But just the knowledge that I can walk away and no break gives me the upper hand. I feel more in control than I have before. I'm not going into anything blinded. I don't know where this is going to lead. I have no expectations. He will not let me down again. The minute things go south, I'm walking away again. But some little part of me is hopeful that this time will be the time that we'll get shit right. He's someone I want on my team. Someone I'd like to be a part of my life.

Last night, I finally felt at home. Every single important person in my life surrounded me. And seeing his face in the crowd finally made me feel like everything was complete. Someone once told me that home is not a place, it's a person. And I think I kind of understand what that means now. But I don't think it's a person. I think it's that moment where everything in the universe aligns for you perfectly at the same time and you know you don't need anything else in that moment. That's home. To me at least.

I was really concerned about my biggest supporters not understanding my logic in all of this, because I don't think I really understand it even. But they've been warmer that I had anticipated. And honestly, it's time that I don't care what anyone else thinks. It's time to make my own life. And my own home. Even if it means making a few crazy decisions along the way.

All week I've been expecting to wake up from a dream. This morning I realized it wasn't.

"Good morning. See babe, I promised I'd still be here when you woke up."

PS - THESE DREAMS ARE MAKING ME CRAZY.
I can't tell reality from my dream world.