Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Seriously,
Leave me alone. There's a reason all significant entries from over the past month have been private. I shouldn't have to think "Fuuuck, what now?" everytime I log into facebook and have a message in my inbox.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
I want to be where your heart is home.
She & Him. And Him. And dancing with the girls. And beer. And Desert Edge.
Love.Love.Love.
Friday, August 20, 2010
A breath of fresh air.
Life has been incredible lately. Every single day has been a new, amazing adventure. I'm exactly where I want to be in life right now, progressing. I keep apologizing to myself every day about getting so off track. If I had stuck to the plan and my gut, I could have found this peace of mind a few months ago. I'm in love with everything around me. Friends. Family. Work. Boy. Late night phone calls. Bar nights. Adventures. Pinnacle grape. Thai food excursions. Music. Concerts. Rollercoasters. Bon fires. Pool parties. BBQ's. Every single day has had something different to offer. I forgot I was capable of feeling this way. I am so happy with where my life is going.Now, if only we could manage to find a third roommate.. Everything would be picture perfect.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Tracers.
It's crazy that reading one word can bring back this huge flood of the most vivid memories I've ever had. Chills instantly run up my spine and leave goosebumps reminding me of, undeniably, one of the most life changing experiences I've ever had. I'm suddenly reminded of the overwhelming feeling that life is good, no great. Everything in it is great and deserves to be experienced in a positive manner. I remember what it's like to feel completely comfortable with myself. I can feel the rush of needing, not just wanting. I never understood it before. Every memory should be able to be felt this thoroughly. I'm left wondering why I can't have any other memories so vivid and questioning, for the first time ever, if I'd relive the memory or take it back in a heartbeat.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Hello, August.
I've had the most incredible week. August is definitely shaping up to be 100 times better than July ever was. I don't think last month would have been nearly as bad if I hadn't been stuck in bed recovering for three weeks, left with nothing to do other than overanalyze EVERYTHING. It feels good to feel better. It feels good to be back to working my normal crazy schedule of 55 hours a week. It feels good to be around my friends again. Hello, breath of fresh air. I've needed you.
Words of wisdom from a 17 year old.
"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the biterness steal away your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe the world to be a beautiful place."
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
You don't know me.
It's time for a serious update about the last month.
July was the worst month I've had so far this year. By far. Everyday, it seemed like I was being dealt a new blow. I try to force myself to remain positive through whatever is thrown my way but the more that kept piling on, the more stressed I became.
First with finances. Found more hospital debt that I thought had been taken care of. Hello, yet another monthly bill. When I got my car accident settlement, Tim ripped me off and took more than half of it. I had to give him the check because the car was registered in his name. I didn't expect him to rip me off so badly and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. Thanks, Dad. My surgery cost me way more than I had planned after additional visits and all of the medication. Plus, missing work for it and still trying to catch up from Mexico..this month was just one big pit of debt. I've worked my ass off to pull myself out of it and rebuild a savings and I'm proud of myself for doing it so quickly. It just frustrates me beyond belief that I have to work myself to the bone and two different jobs just to get by. I want to go back to school so I can have a decent paying job, but I can't afford it. What an awesome Catch 22. I will build even more savings. I will go back to school. I'm more determined now than ever.
Home life is completely unbearable. The fact that a 16 year old bipolar teenage girls controls the entire household is absolutely ridiculous. If she's raging, which is almost always, it means my parents are fighting. If my parents are fighting, Cody's crying. Jaycee's screaming. This is way too common of an occurance. The fact that she gets away with as much as she does astonishes me. I'm constantly being threatened to be kicked out for voicing my opinion about her wildness, but she gets to do whatever the hell she wants without reprocussion. I want a stable home. I'm sick of watching my family deteriorate. If it's going to happen, I'd rather not be there.
Which is why I was so excited about the townhome. It was going to be a new start for me. A place to actually call home and just be able to breathe. But, we had to give it up. Charlie ended up backing out last minute leaving us roommateless. I tried to find a third roommate, but it just didn't work out on such short notice. We have a back up plan, but I'm not going to put much hope into until it actually happens. I don't want to get my hopes up again. Spending a perfectly good Saturday crying over a living situation is no good. I'll get out. I've just got to give it time.
My mom's health is still crumbling. It makes me feel so guilty about leaving. But I can't sacrifice myself any more and she understands that. I know the reason our household has fallen apart is because she just doesn't have the strength to keep it together. I hate seeing her in pain. It breaks my heart every day. If there were anything I could do to ease her pain, I would without any hesitation. They're trying something new this week after getting her CAT scan results last week and finding a new absess. I pray it helps. Even just a little.
My surgery last month was hell. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I had a painful recovery, an allergic reaction to my anesthesia and pain medication, I was unable to keep anything down for days, wound up with dry socket on both sides. I had no grasp of how painful that could be until experiencing it. It's been three weeks and I'm still dealing with being swollen, sore, and bleeding. Definitely not a normal recovery time. I'd just like it to be done and over with.
In other July developments, I've had a lot of lessons regarding friendship this month. Letting too many worthless friends go, and building better friendships with the ones who actually matter. I've found friendships in the strangest places. It blows my mind how many different ways people can meet and be intertwined. It's a really small world. I've watched enemies become friends this month. Foes become allys. It's absolutely insane. Seeing it has made me evalutate quite a few of my friendships. I'm trying to make them stronger and appreciate them more. So far it's working well and I hope it continues to progress. I usually try to be such an independant person, but I'm realizing that having stable connections in the world to fall back on help keep you sane.
Right now, I'm having difficulty with always wanting to say too much. Always feeling like I constantly have to defend and explain myself to change any preconceieved notions about me. Why the hell should I care what anyone else thinks about me, especially when they're not significant in my life? People will assume what they want. And it doesn't matter if I try to explain myself or not, they've already got those assumptions in mind. Life is too short for me to be concerned with other people. You can read anything I write and take whatever you'd like out of it. You're getting your information off the internet and in the end, you're probably wrong. Assume all you'd like, have whatever opinion of me you'd like, it doesn't matter to me. One thing I've learned about assumptions lately is that they are almost always completely inaccurate. Life is too short to hold anything against someone you don't even know. Just let it go and live your own life.
There's a million more things to update about right now but my brain is fried from the lack of sleep last night. Time to recharge.
July was the worst month I've had so far this year. By far. Everyday, it seemed like I was being dealt a new blow. I try to force myself to remain positive through whatever is thrown my way but the more that kept piling on, the more stressed I became.
First with finances. Found more hospital debt that I thought had been taken care of. Hello, yet another monthly bill. When I got my car accident settlement, Tim ripped me off and took more than half of it. I had to give him the check because the car was registered in his name. I didn't expect him to rip me off so badly and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. Thanks, Dad. My surgery cost me way more than I had planned after additional visits and all of the medication. Plus, missing work for it and still trying to catch up from Mexico..this month was just one big pit of debt. I've worked my ass off to pull myself out of it and rebuild a savings and I'm proud of myself for doing it so quickly. It just frustrates me beyond belief that I have to work myself to the bone and two different jobs just to get by. I want to go back to school so I can have a decent paying job, but I can't afford it. What an awesome Catch 22. I will build even more savings. I will go back to school. I'm more determined now than ever.
Home life is completely unbearable. The fact that a 16 year old bipolar teenage girls controls the entire household is absolutely ridiculous. If she's raging, which is almost always, it means my parents are fighting. If my parents are fighting, Cody's crying. Jaycee's screaming. This is way too common of an occurance. The fact that she gets away with as much as she does astonishes me. I'm constantly being threatened to be kicked out for voicing my opinion about her wildness, but she gets to do whatever the hell she wants without reprocussion. I want a stable home. I'm sick of watching my family deteriorate. If it's going to happen, I'd rather not be there.
Which is why I was so excited about the townhome. It was going to be a new start for me. A place to actually call home and just be able to breathe. But, we had to give it up. Charlie ended up backing out last minute leaving us roommateless. I tried to find a third roommate, but it just didn't work out on such short notice. We have a back up plan, but I'm not going to put much hope into until it actually happens. I don't want to get my hopes up again. Spending a perfectly good Saturday crying over a living situation is no good. I'll get out. I've just got to give it time.
My mom's health is still crumbling. It makes me feel so guilty about leaving. But I can't sacrifice myself any more and she understands that. I know the reason our household has fallen apart is because she just doesn't have the strength to keep it together. I hate seeing her in pain. It breaks my heart every day. If there were anything I could do to ease her pain, I would without any hesitation. They're trying something new this week after getting her CAT scan results last week and finding a new absess. I pray it helps. Even just a little.
My surgery last month was hell. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I had a painful recovery, an allergic reaction to my anesthesia and pain medication, I was unable to keep anything down for days, wound up with dry socket on both sides. I had no grasp of how painful that could be until experiencing it. It's been three weeks and I'm still dealing with being swollen, sore, and bleeding. Definitely not a normal recovery time. I'd just like it to be done and over with.
In other July developments, I've had a lot of lessons regarding friendship this month. Letting too many worthless friends go, and building better friendships with the ones who actually matter. I've found friendships in the strangest places. It blows my mind how many different ways people can meet and be intertwined. It's a really small world. I've watched enemies become friends this month. Foes become allys. It's absolutely insane. Seeing it has made me evalutate quite a few of my friendships. I'm trying to make them stronger and appreciate them more. So far it's working well and I hope it continues to progress. I usually try to be such an independant person, but I'm realizing that having stable connections in the world to fall back on help keep you sane.
Right now, I'm having difficulty with always wanting to say too much. Always feeling like I constantly have to defend and explain myself to change any preconceieved notions about me. Why the hell should I care what anyone else thinks about me, especially when they're not significant in my life? People will assume what they want. And it doesn't matter if I try to explain myself or not, they've already got those assumptions in mind. Life is too short for me to be concerned with other people. You can read anything I write and take whatever you'd like out of it. You're getting your information off the internet and in the end, you're probably wrong. Assume all you'd like, have whatever opinion of me you'd like, it doesn't matter to me. One thing I've learned about assumptions lately is that they are almost always completely inaccurate. Life is too short to hold anything against someone you don't even know. Just let it go and live your own life.
There's a million more things to update about right now but my brain is fried from the lack of sleep last night. Time to recharge.
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