You smile in your sleep.

The people in my life right now are really incredible. It's amazing how making new friendships has given me a new perspective.

I know, that there's life beyond everything I've always relied on. No saying it will ever be easy to give up. But I can feel the end of it more and more every day.

I wish I felt like I still had a best friend, but every day I feel us growing further apart. I'm sick of being blown off, of being treated like shit, of being the only one to even try. There's not a doubt in my mind that if it weren't for work and this trip we wouldn't be close right now. And I feel like I've done all I can do on my end. This vacation is going to make or break us. It's either going to bring us closer again or be our last hoo-rah as friends. I'm not hoping for the latter. But a lot has got to change to put us in a better place. I feel like we don't even know eachother anymore. I hate that.

Friday night when Jason and I hung out I got drunk enough to bring up how worried I was that me leaving for ten days is going to mess everything up. I still can't believe we had the conversation we did. In the past, when we have gaps in talking it messes us up. I feel like I have to constantly let him know I'm interested or I'm going to miss out. I'm scared that when I come back things are going to be different. I know he's interested in someone else right now, I'm not sure if he knows. But it seems pretty obvious. Which is fine. I get it. I just worry that history is going to repeat itself. I've tried to stay unattached this time. But the closer we get the harder it is. He really is someone I like having in my life. And I see all of the qualities I want in someone in him. Losing that this time around would be tough. Our conversation eased my mind though. And in the end, I'm glad we had it. He kept assuring me that he isn't like he was in the past. I hope that's true. We both want the other one to constantly show interest..to be the first one to initiate everything. And that's rough on my end. I want to constantly spend time with him, but I'm afraid of coming off needy and him getting sick of it so I don't do it as often as I'd like. Also, I'd like him to show more interest. Sometimes, I feel like he's just not feeling it like he was in the beginning. I hate that I have to initiate most conversations. I miss him saying he constantly wanted to spend time with me and asking when he gets to see me again. Hello, I'm Jalice and sometimes I need reassurance. God, this sounds negative. It's not. I think I'm just going to see how things play out when I get back. We're on such good terms now. I hope they remain the same when I get back. I know I'm going to miss him when I'm gone. And hopefully when I'll get back he'll cuddle my brains out.

My mom is having pretty major surgery tomorrow. And I'm so scared about it. Her health has always been such a huge issue. I'm lucky to have her after everything she's gone through. Anything more and I'm scared she's never going to get better. I love my mom. After not having my dad..she's always been double important to me. She is my rock.

Rachel and I are apartment hunting when I get back. Diego, her, and myself living together. Should be interesting. It's not the ideal situation but Jason having his own place really makes me miss the freedom.

When I get back, I start my HCG injections. My mom is so against this. She's so angry at me for it. But it's something I want to do. I know it's extreme, but I just want to feel pretty again. I need the confidence. I need to feel better about myself. I feel like if I could just gain more confidence I could really take control of everything and make my life start going in the right direction.

I just want some stability.

"And then he said something like this...'I would die for you, but I won't live for you.' Something like that. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people. Maybe that is what makes people 'participate.' I hope so anyway."

I'm moving on, I hope you're coming with me.

It's been over a year since I last posted.

And boy, is life different.

New job(s), new friends, new outlook.

Almost everyone I made a post about is out of my life. For good. Almost everyone.

Dallas is officially gone. No need to go into details because I just made a clean break. It's been since November. It took me three years, but the chain is broken and I don't even miss him at all. (Lie. Most days I do.) BUT. This, by far, has been my biggest accomplishment in the last year.

My life is no longer a revolving door. For anyone. Period.

Jason and I are closer than we've ever been. It came out of left field. He just texted me out of the blue one day and we've been fixing our friendship since. I feel like we're finally in that place I was hoping for in the post I made about him last February. The place where we can actually stick around in each other's lives. I need that. He's brought this strange sense of comfort to me. Just the ability to be comfortable in my own skin, and be comfortable around someone else. I'm always so guarded..It's been a long time since I've felt comfortable around anyone. I don't know if he realizes how big of a deal this is to me..but I just appreciate it so much. It couldn't have come at a better time in life. Everything I wrote about him over a year ago is still true. He's still hilarious. He's still my musical muse. And my favorite thing to do with him is still cuddle while watching tv. He's opened my eyes to new experiences and has brought me out of my shell. I like where we are. I don't want us to take a year long break in friendship like we always do. While I'm prepared for that to happen because I've been through it before...I don't want to deal with it again. I don't know where this is going to end up, but for once..I'm not even worried about it.

I gave up my spot at Le Cordon Bleu and I quit my job at the theater to persue a cooking career that ended horribly.

Hello, I'm Jalice. I'm 21. And I'm terrified I'm never going to be good at anything.

I have two worthless dead end jobs. I need something more. Something bigger.

I now am constantly craving change, something that used to frighten me.

The list of people I completely trust has gone from and handful to very few in a short amount of time. It now mostly consists of family. I never thought I'd lose faith in certain people..but I guess that sometimes, people just grow apart. It's unavoidable.

In the past year I've become an aunt. And my family instantly became more important to me than anything else. My brothers are the only boys who will love me unconditionally. And my sisters are the only girls I can completely trust to not throw me away.

A year ago, I can't believe I was actually talking marriage and babies. I'm thankful every day that never happened. Especially with him. I now take my birth control faithfully and will wait until someone appreciates me until contemplating marriage.

Despite all of this sounding negative, it has been the best year of my life.

I've never been more aware of who I am and what I want out of life.

And while I don't know how I'm going to get there, or who's going to be by my side in the end..I've learned to appreciate the journey. Because in the end, that's all that really matters.