The people in my life right now are really incredible. It's amazing how making new friendships has given me a new perspective.
I know, that there's life beyond everything I've always relied on. No saying it will ever be easy to give up. But I can feel the end of it more and more every day.
I wish I felt like I still had a best friend, but every day I feel us growing further apart. I'm sick of being blown off, of being treated like shit, of being the only one to even try. There's not a doubt in my mind that if it weren't for work and this trip we wouldn't be close right now. And I feel like I've done all I can do on my end. This vacation is going to make or break us. It's either going to bring us closer again or be our last hoo-rah as friends. I'm not hoping for the latter. But a lot has got to change to put us in a better place. I feel like we don't even know eachother anymore. I hate that.
Friday night when Jason and I hung out I got drunk enough to bring up how worried I was that me leaving for ten days is going to mess everything up. I still can't believe we had the conversation we did. In the past, when we have gaps in talking it messes us up. I feel like I have to constantly let him know I'm interested or I'm going to miss out. I'm scared that when I come back things are going to be different. I know he's interested in someone else right now, I'm not sure if he knows. But it seems pretty obvious. Which is fine. I get it. I just worry that history is going to repeat itself. I've tried to stay unattached this time. But the closer we get the harder it is. He really is someone I like having in my life. And I see all of the qualities I want in someone in him. Losing that this time around would be tough. Our conversation eased my mind though. And in the end, I'm glad we had it. He kept assuring me that he isn't like he was in the past. I hope that's true. We both want the other one to constantly show interest..to be the first one to initiate everything. And that's rough on my end. I want to constantly spend time with him, but I'm afraid of coming off needy and him getting sick of it so I don't do it as often as I'd like. Also, I'd like him to show more interest. Sometimes, I feel like he's just not feeling it like he was in the beginning. I hate that I have to initiate most conversations. I miss him saying he constantly wanted to spend time with me and asking when he gets to see me again. Hello, I'm Jalice and sometimes I need reassurance. God, this sounds negative. It's not. I think I'm just going to see how things play out when I get back. We're on such good terms now. I hope they remain the same when I get back. I know I'm going to miss him when I'm gone. And hopefully when I'll get back he'll cuddle my brains out.
My mom is having pretty major surgery tomorrow. And I'm so scared about it. Her health has always been such a huge issue. I'm lucky to have her after everything she's gone through. Anything more and I'm scared she's never going to get better. I love my mom. After not having my dad..she's always been double important to me. She is my rock.
Rachel and I are apartment hunting when I get back. Diego, her, and myself living together. Should be interesting. It's not the ideal situation but Jason having his own place really makes me miss the freedom.
When I get back, I start my HCG injections. My mom is so against this. She's so angry at me for it. But it's something I want to do. I know it's extreme, but I just want to feel pretty again. I need the confidence. I need to feel better about myself. I feel like if I could just gain more confidence I could really take control of everything and make my life start going in the right direction.
I just want some stability.
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