I hate that once I finally think I have an idea of where things are going to play out, the the moment I ease up and let someone in, the minute I decide to trust.. Everything crumbles.
I had a lot of fear about going on my trip. I knew that when I came back everything would be different, and it completely is. It took a long time for me to trust Jason. To open myself up to the idea of him. I was just scared of history repeating itself. But, I finally reached the point where I trusted it. And the day I trusted it, I told him. I think I used the word attached, which looking back was probably the wrong choice of words. I just had reached the point where I knew that if we took our normal frienship break, it would really hurt. We had this conversation on his balcony while we were drunk but I meant all of it. He told me not to worry. And I thought everything was going to be okay.
During that conversation, he told me he wanted me to try more. And ever since I have. Nonstop. And ever since that conversation it's got me nowhere. Nearly every time I've asked him to hang out, I've been ignored which is beyond frustrating. If he wants me to back off, I get it. But I'd at least like honesty about it. It just doesn't feel right. There's no closure to everything. I have no idea what's going on. And in the past, I've always been able to just walk away from him. But this time I opened up way more, I put myself out there. I trusted him. And now I have no idea what's going on.
Thank you for reminding me not to open up. Not to trust anyone. And if I ever feel comfortable, I should run far far away.
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