Fate. Or something like that.

I feel like I've found the little bit of me that was missing. This tiny little piece of my heart that's been vacant for the last year. The part that I didn't even know I needed. Or wanted. Or was searching for. Yet, when I woke up this morning with my head on his chest and the very first thing I saw was a tattoo over his heart for me.. I knew that missing piece was back in place.

This both terrifies and exhilarates me.

I'd like to say it's an even mix. But it's mostly terror, honestly.

Fear of the unknown overwhelms me and I find myself questioning the universe and fate and timing. And I'm wondering if everything really happens for a reason or if we use that as an excuse to follow our urges, no matter how ridiculous they may be. I'm hoping for the first, honestly. I've got to believe that there's some unknown reasoning for the week I've had. This whirlwind of a week that led me right back into a situation I walked away from a year ago.

I remember the morning I walked away. I looked at him, asleep. Oblivious to what was really happening. Not aware of what I had in mind. He had no idea that I never planned on coming back. I just knew, in that moment, that I couldn't keep forcing myself into his life. If he wanted me there, he had to put me in it. I gave up. I couldn't do it anymore. I kissed him goodbye and walked out.

"Outside, construction workers pour a brand new basement floor. But then, the ground starts shaking fault lines to your own front door. I looked at this and thought of you. And all that is and isn't true. And with all the strength left in me, walked on while the walls came down."

I walked away, and found myself.

I will never regret walking out.

Now it seems as though it doesn't matter if I try. Or if he tries. I thought I had successfully broken the magnetic pull we had. But the universe has swept me right back in.

Someone I thought I had left so far in my past now lives right outside my front door. And suddenly, I'm beginning to believe that you can't fight fate. Whatever that means.

We've each been on completely different paths for the last year trying to discover just who we are..but they led right back to eachother no matter how many twists and turns we took. A person is a whole new person after a year. If we're whole new people, can we still be the same together?

Wait. Rewind. I don't want us to be the same. I won't settle for how things were before. I refuse to. I don't have to. I've walked away before and you know what? My world didn't fall apart. My heart didn't disintegrate. It just didn't glow as much as when it's near his, but I survived.

But just the knowledge that I can walk away and no break gives me the upper hand. I feel more in control than I have before. I'm not going into anything blinded. I don't know where this is going to lead. I have no expectations. He will not let me down again. The minute things go south, I'm walking away again. But some little part of me is hopeful that this time will be the time that we'll get shit right. He's someone I want on my team. Someone I'd like to be a part of my life.

Last night, I finally felt at home. Every single important person in my life surrounded me. And seeing his face in the crowd finally made me feel like everything was complete. Someone once told me that home is not a place, it's a person. And I think I kind of understand what that means now. But I don't think it's a person. I think it's that moment where everything in the universe aligns for you perfectly at the same time and you know you don't need anything else in that moment. That's home. To me at least.

I was really concerned about my biggest supporters not understanding my logic in all of this, because I don't think I really understand it even. But they've been warmer that I had anticipated. And honestly, it's time that I don't care what anyone else thinks. It's time to make my own life. And my own home. Even if it means making a few crazy decisions along the way.

All week I've been expecting to wake up from a dream. This morning I realized it wasn't.

"Good morning. See babe, I promised I'd still be here when you woke up."

PS - THESE DREAMS ARE MAKING ME CRAZY.
I can't tell reality from my dream world.