dallas

dallas is the only one that has ever actually got to my heart. i don't know how, or why, but its completely his.

we're dated off and on for two and a half years now. i don't want to get into a million details with this one because i'd probably be sitting here for hours.

i'll start with the positive though. he makes me comfortable with who i am. i feel comfortable in my own skin around him. i don't need to hide who i am. i can openly be myself and know he won't judge me. he makes me feel safe when he puts his arms around me. and i get the best most peaceful sleep when i know he's laying next to me. he's done a lot to prove to me how much he cares about me. but i know that i will always care about him more than he cares about me.

we've been through the most fucked up things the past few years. rumors about us, people trying to pick fights with us, some guy stalking me and hitting me, ex girlfriends vandilising my shit, and everyone around us constantly telling us we're not right for each other. and we had a miscarriage. which by far, is the most difficult thing we've gone through as a pair. but through it all we've managed to always rely on eachother when no one else could support us.

things were great and i'm always going to love him but people change and its hard for me to love the person he's changing in to. he moved away to park city almost a year ago and we've tried to make it work..but it just isn't the same. he's grown his hair out almost as long as mine, he got his lip pierced in three different places. but don't get me wrong, it isn't the phsycal that draws me to him. he started drinking again. and taking pain killers. and getting into fights. and i really just don't want to be with a person that's become that.

he was 15454250 miles away...so i ended it and told him i was done because i knew it'd be easy with him being so far away. but.

yes, there's always a but.

last night he called me to tell me he's moving back down here this weekend. and i'm stunned. because as my as my head tells me no, no, no. my heart started pounding so fast and i got these stupis butterflies in the stomach. i'm glad he's going to be living down here again but i'm not ready to deal with all the shit he puts me through.

i'm at the point right now where i really legitimately want a realtionship. and i know he's never going to give me what i want no matter how hard i try. but with him being down here, its going to make me hesitate getting in a relationship with anyone else because like i said before..there is just something about him that makes me not want him to resent me. i know he'd never hurt me, but i'd be scared for my boyfriend because his anger is so intense.

ahh.
boys.
fuck boys.